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2008-07-30T11:36:00.000-07:00

A List: Procrastination Videos

A conversation with a friend has prompted this list. He’d never heard of the “Oozinator.” This might be the only useful post I ever make, and because you are here, you are, by definition, incredibly bored and/or procrastinating. In no particular order, here is a list of links I've had sent my way that made me want to write Al Gore a "thank you" note for inventing the Internet. Many have already appeared in previous posts. You might laugh, you might cry, you might go immediately to eBay and search for an Oozinator auction. Enjoy...

1) The Leprechaun – this, to me, is the greatest piece of local news ever. Two years later and it still gets me.

2) Minesweeper Trailer – before Tia Tequila, MTV used to have some decent programming, and the guys from the State pop up now and again doing hilarious things.

3) The Oozinator – as if kids these days aren’t messed up enough.

4) Bug Flies into Reporter’s Mouth – pretty self explanatory, pretty hilarious.

5) Cats Boxing – if you like cats, you’ll love cats boxing.

6) Ultimate Warrior – I can't believe they took this video off of YouTube - I managed to find a low-quality, grainy substitute, but it isn't quite the same.

7) Dick in a Box - A classic, and also a solid Halloween costume.

8) People Getting Punched Before Eating – if only the rest of SNL was as good as their digital shorts. It’s really the song that makes it.

9) Lady Eating it With Grapes – local news comes through again. Worth the minute wait for some amazing (human?) noises.

10) Don't Taze Me – Tazers are inherently funny. but the Hammer remix is arguably better.

11) Flea Market Hey Hey – if I’m ever in Montgomery, Alabama, this is where I’m getting some furniture. Hey hey.

2008-06-19T13:08:00.000-07:00

Things that Frighten Me.

Like most Americans, I live my life in fear. Fear of terrorists, fear of a recession, fear of the environmental apocalypse. But beyond these vague, uncontrollable forces, there are the day-to-day things that I can avoid and that need to be stopped. Listing them is the first step to conquering them.

1) Family Restrooms. I don't know what goes on in these things but I'd like to go on the record and say that I am terrified of them. I imagine one large toilet and the type of family that wants to go to the restroom together, possibly while holding hands and singing.

2) Tomatoes. They attack and kill in the movies, and now they deliver salmonella. And what are they? Fruit? Vegetables? I can't keep it straight.

3) Tila Tequila. I recognize that as I grow older (though at 28 I am still in my mid-late-twenties, for at least another 3.5 weeks!), there will be a gradual disconnect between popular culture and things that I "get." I will slowly lose my ability to say anything remotely cool as the next generation makes movies I can't relate to, music I can't stand, and art that exemplifies angst in 2030. That's all well and good, but if we're already so culturally bankrupt that THIS is something people watch, well, I'm a lot older than I thought. Anything that makes Flavor of Love look sophisticated is deeply concerning.

4) 2-Year Law Schools. What's the big hurry here Northwestern?? The third year of law school is important, though not necessarily from an academic standpoint. You can choose to take a clinic, or other electives, or study abroad, or..... Travel somewhere, watch the Price is Right and play golf. If you cram 3 years into 2 years, it won't necessarily create more attorneys, just more bad attorneys.

5) Eddie Murphy. What is wrong with him? Seriously. Delirious and Raw are two of the funniest things I have ever seen. His brain needs to be studied to prevent future generations of comics from selling out so hard that screenwriters make bets over who can make a movie so shittastically awful that he won't star in it and ask for a sequel. It's sad that he is so irritating that the only way he can be in a movie is if he plays all of the characters or acts opposite CGI animals.

2008-05-27T13:55:00.000-07:00

Hawaii

The story of our vacation follows, for anyone who would care. It was totally awesome. Almost tubular. We started off on Wednesday, May 15th, and flew from Dallas to Honolulu. Things began inauspiciously, though, when on the flight from L.A. to Honolulu we were surrounded, quite literally, by some of the most ridiculous people I've ever seen on an airplane. 12 passengers, all with matching shirts that read "Hawaii '08 - It's on like Donkey Kong." The back of the shirt displayed a large ape, presumably Donkey Kong, climbing all over the 5 Hawaiian islands. Almost immediately, the ring leader of the group began to order beers for everyone, stating in a voice more appropriate for a loud crowded bar that "he had had10 beers already" and calling anyone in his group who refused to drink a "pussy ass pussy." I was convinced this kid was maybe 2 days over 21. We later found out he was 29, a fact that made me laugh out loud for at least a full minute. Eventually they drank themselves into a stupor, but not before denying everyone within a 5-row radius a wink of sleep.

For the first 5 nights we stayed in Oahu, at the Hale Koa hotel in Honolulu, a hotel built predominantly for our country's servicemen and women. The location was perfect, right in the heart of Waikiki beach. We spent our first day at Pearl Harbor, and though it was a very somber place, there was also a deep sense of respect for those men and women who were involved in the tragic events of December 7, 1941. I have a fascination with the second World War, and the Arizona Memorial provides a strong sense of what happened, the mistakes made so clear by hindsight, and the element of chance that factored into the catalyst that sped America to war. I can't imagine visiting Hawaii and missing this memorial.

Oil still seeps out of the USS Arizona, an eerie reminder of the tomb just below the surface

That evening we went to an authentic Hawaiian luau. The host for the evening was Glenn Medeiros, who became a source of great amusement once we learned that he was some teenage heartthrob singer in the late 80's, with such hits as "Nothings Gonna Change My Love for You" and some song he did with Bobby Brown called "She Ain't Worth It." He was originally from Hawaii, and now he lives in Honolulu and teaches high school history. At least he has taken his career in stride, unlike some celebrities.

The next day we spent enjoying a beach on the Southwest portion of Hawaii. Then I think I wasted a few hours watching basketball. Damn Spurs..

On Saturday morning it was time to skydive. As our plane went up to 14,000 feet, I kept wondering how I got myself into this situation... The human mind is capable of many impressive balancing acts, and one of my favorite is logic v. terror. Logically, and statistically, skydiving is safer than a lot of things we do, such as driving on I-35 or eating at Taco Bell. My tandem divemaster guy had jumped out of a plane over 11,000 times, and yet, when they slide open the door on the side of the plane, it is difficult to maintain a grip on logic. Luckily, there wasn't much time to dwell on the 5000 different things that could go wrong, and we were soon falling through the sky, sixty seconds, and then the parachute. It was simply indescribable, and I hope to do it again. After skydiving we took a drive along the North coast and then headed to the "market" in the Aloha Bowl parking lot. Not too exciting, but still a good time. Cheap souvenirs aplenty.

Sunday we got up early, which was easy to do thanks to the time difference, and headed to Diamond Head State Park. The view from the top of Diamond Head was just another in a series of breathtaking views. 360 degrees of cool shit to look at - including the volcano crater, and a sweet-ass lighthouse, for those of you who are lighthouse fans, you know what I'm talking about.

Damn that is a sweet-ass lighthouse.

The rest of the day we went snorkeling and toured more of the coast. The landscape was stunning, and we had to stop a few times just to snap pictures of the water...

On Monday we flew to Kauai, the oldest of the islands, and considered the most beautiful by 9 out of 10 guidebooks. We stayed at the Hilton Kauai, and the grounds alone were enough to keep me happy - there's something about a bar by the ocean that feels... right. We hung out on Monday and drove around to check out one of the bajillion waterfalls on the island.

Tuesday was helicopter day. It was a very good day. The helicopter didn't crash, which is more than I can say for a few recent tourists... On Monday, I met a guy at the hotel bar who was there on business investigating a helicopter crash. This was not anything I wanted to hear after successfully avoiding death during skydiving. I asked him what company was involved in the crash, which he couldn't tell me. Then I called him a bitch. I kid.. Finally, I asked him what company he would fly with if he were taking a helicopter tour, and I was relieved when he said Blue Hawaii, the company we went with. Then I called him a crash-investigating bitch. I kid some more...

I think I took more pictures during the one-hour helicopter ride than anyone should ever take. Basically, everything looks cool as shit from the helicopter, but most of the pictures suffer from excessive reflective glare (a term I just invented), and so you'll see a breathtaking shot of the coastline, with a reflection of my hairy leg superimposed on the shot.

The final day on Kauai we went to see some blowhole, which can only be described as "majestic." I can't imagine any blowhole not being majestic. And, this is where I thought I lost my wallet somehow, when in fact it was sitting in the bathroom at the hotel. Ah, the early onset of Alzheimer's...

A blowhole gets totally majestic spouting ocean water everywhere

And so we left Hawaii and went on to Detroit for a friend's wedding, which was very cool because I'd never been to an Indian wedding. Lots of dancing, but not a lot of booze. As an awkward white person, I didn't know that wedding dancing and booze could exist without one another...

The end.

2008-05-13T12:35:00.000-07:00

Now that feels better....

Wow. Not that I ever wish bodily harm on anyone, but when people this dumb do something this dumb and then tell the police the honest truth about how stupid they are, well, god bless America.

In other news, I'm off to Hawaii for a week on the in-laws dime. It just feels good to say that. God Bless America once again.

In still other news, the Spurs are showing signs of life. Game 5 win would be HUGE. Spurs.

2008-04-30T07:22:00.001-07:00

The Conspiracy...

With Round One of the NBA playoffs behind the Spurs, it's time to let people in on a little known secret that is permeating the league: the Spurs Conspiracy. All across the NBA, you find them. Ex-Spurs. Ex-Spurs coaches. Running teams, making moves, sabotaging their franchises with trades and inconsistent philosophies.

Steve Kerr: Goes to Phoenix and brings in Shaq (and Shaq's gigantic man-bra). Even acquires Grant Hill for a laugh.

P.J. Carlesimo: former Spurs assistant coach, heads to Seattle and the Spurs get Kurt Thomas, with the added bonus of re-signing Brent Barry.

Avery Johnson: The Lil' General - we ship him to Dallas and he "forgets" to teach his team how to play defense or to attack the basket. He introduces Josh Howard to marijuana.

Doc Rivers: he's out there, coaching the Celtics. But we all know who he works for. His job: get them to the Finals and then roll over.

Mark Cuban: He's not a part of the conspiracy, he's just an idiot who helps the Spurs by default.

Luis Scola: former draft pick of the Spurs. He's the main inside threat should the Rockets face the Spurs down the road. He's going to magically sprain his ankle when Popovich gives him the signal.

Larry Brown: The Spurs like to send this guy from team to team, where he totally screws with everything and then leaves, searching for his next victim.

Danny Ferry: Former Spur and current Cavs GM ensured Cleveland made it to the Finals last year. We all know how that went.

Chris Paul: The former Wake Forest guard idolizes Tim Duncan, and he is part of the conspiracy without even realizing it. He can't bring himself to stop the back-to-back title run.

Popovich. He is the mastermind. He is Deep Throat. I don't know what kind of training he received during his time in the Air Force, but his five years overseas in the Soviet Union must have made him very ... persuasive. There are other pieces of the conspiracy out there, working in the shadows to ensure Spur domination.

The only problem... L.A. The Spurs have no one on the inside there.... And apparently the Grizzlies and Lakers have their own conspiracy working... Should be an interesting conference finals against L.A.

2008-04-21T08:58:00.000-07:00

Your Honor, I'd Like to Move for a Mistrial

So, the other day someone sends me this story about an Austin attorney. Apparently, at the end of sentencing for his client, he decided to make a motion. With his hand. Like he was jerking off. Towards the prosecutor. The judge sentenced him to 90 days in jail.

The real story, though, is not what this guy did in court, but his name. Adam Reposa is a 2001 graduate of the University of Texas School of Law (way to make us proud). He passed the bar exam in 2003. And when he passed the bar, he decided to register with the state bar as Adam "Bulletproof" Reposa. That is awesome. Every attorney should have a nickname. Sure, we've all heard of Law & Order's "Hang 'em High" McCoy, and the "Texas Hammer" Jim Adler, but we should all do our part to make the Texas Bar more interesting. I call dibs on "Sweet Cheeks" and "Big Sexy."

2008-04-01T15:00:00.000-07:00

Uninspired and lazy

In response to the comment from one of the six to seven people who might occasionally check in to this site, it is true indeed that I don't have a life; my lack of posting has mainly stemmed from the lack of anything (relatively) worth writing about. Granted, my standards aren't that high (kitty wigs, creationism, etc.), but rest assured, once something becomes irritating enough that it inspires me to address it here, here it will be. I would suggest subscribing to the RSS feed so that whenever I get back into this, the fun will be beamed straight into your inbox!

2008-02-26T14:05:00.001-08:00

Yaoooo owwwwww Sporting Info NEWS words!

Man, I have to admit, I am really enjoying this explosion of trades we're seeing in the NBA. I would enjoy the game and the season without any of this soap opera reshuffling, but it only makes it that much better. This year"s Mavs: the Lakers. Fools left and right are trying to annoit them the new kings... sounds familiar.

What people fail to understand: all of this activity is in response to the Spurs, GMs recognizing that the road goes through San Antonio. I'll admit a slight bias towards the Spurs, but, at the same time, they are the team to beat. Only 5 points in the 1st quarter though - that isn't going to cut it. L.A. is more talented this year - as is the entire West - it will be the most competitive post-season I have ever seen. However, I have been noticing a lot of creative commentary, suggesting that the Spurs are not necessarily the strongest team out there, but after the recent Tim Thomas trade, it's surprising the talk continues. This is a team built for a 7-game series. Most other teams can make it to six - and that is the main need Cuban fails to address with his trades. Jason Kidd???! How does that address the weakness of the team? Dirk has yet to step up to his potential and control a series, which seems less and less likely as he faces his 11th NBA season. You have to think Cuban knew something about Harris to pull the trigger there.

I don't understand the show "Around the Horn" at all. These guys sit around and talk about nothing, and some central host guy hits a button whenever he feels like it, awarding points to the talking heads. And then, time expires and one of the talking head guys disappears and can't talk. It makes the talking head sad to be muted, but man, some of these guys are so off base!

Finally, Yao. It's really unfortunate for Rockets fans, but Yao is simply inconsistent. He has yet to carry the team like he should. If their management had any sense, they would admit this team cannot put it together and get out of the race now. Seattle is positioning themselves to dominate the West in a few years; with Oklahoma City looking to score a team, this region is going to be even more competitive. It'll be fun to watch Durant win over the OU fans. They'll forget he was (briefly) a Longhorn.

Man, it is difficult to watch people distance themselves from Roger Clemens. I mean, it is sad, but what is really sad is that it isn't surprising. Who wants to go to a Jose Canseco party anyway? You're just asking for trouble. It's like going to the club with Pacman. Although, I enjoy the atheletes who take pride in making it rain. How scary would a Congressional inquiry be? Jesus. Congress is going to take down baseball once and for all. Honestly, is that a bad thing? The American Past time, as much as I loved it growing up, is in trouble. I think that people are going to demand that they take things out of Cooperstown. Or maybe I'm just misremembering things. That's been happeningly a lot to people lately.

2008-02-24T19:35:00.000-08:00

Yay! The Oscars!!!!

Was I not at your Oscar party? Were you sad? Well, don't worry, since my wife is going to make me watch this I might as well sit here and give you my smart-ass remarks, in case you're feeling a void in your life.

I miss this year's Golden Globes. A press conference? Only one hour? That's the way to do it... Anyway, this year's Oscars will be a bit shorter thanks to the DVR. But still, it drags. And the song performances ... ugh. They should cut those down, maybe do all 5 at once, and the viewer can just pick the one they like, because no one has seen any of these movies.

John Stewart - that's so much better than Robin Williams or Ellen. He got in a Norbit joke - and those are always solid. Political jokes ... meh.

Transformers got screwed hard in special effects. It got beat by some polar bear movie. Recount?

Owen Wilson? Didn't you just try and kill yourself? What are you doing here? Go get some help. But first, tell me about the animated short film nominees.

The mom from American Gangster is up for an Oscar? She was on screen for like 5 minutes.

Atonement? I'm glad I missed that one... the little British girl looks and sounds creepy.

Michael Clayton. Lawyer jokes. Still haven't seen it thanks to the usual Netflix backlog. Effing Netflix. But that supporting actress lady - she's paler than I am and her dress is like some kind of velvet trashbag.

Just ate some KFC boneless snacker wings. As good as advertised.

The Scientific and Technical Awards always suck even in their truncated format. I can't imagine actually going and sitting through the entire show. Even with Jessica Alba hosting.

The Coen Brothers. Odd felows. But NCFOM better win it all.

Two Songs from Enchanted? This second calypso numbed with the Wicked chick really makes me want to ... overdose on KFC boneless snacker wings.

The Transformers Conspiracy continues with the sound editing snub. Wait, there's also a "sound mixing" category? It's the same movies people. Can't they just have an "awesomest sound" category and move it along? Transformers now 0 for 3. Screw you Matt Damon.

Every year, they should give an award to Will Ferrell for playing the same role over and over.

That French actress is hot. Not hot enough to make me see her Edith Piaf movie, but she gave a good speech. Always seems like the best speeches are from those who don't speak English as their first language.

My wife informs me the Once co-stars are actually dating in real life. Awwwww. That must be the reason this song is so achingly beautiful (tears welling up). It could be the snacker wing sauce, though. Not sure.

Hey, surprise, it's Jack Nicholson. And all 79 best pictures. One of them was called Cinnamon? More filler that makes me long for the writer's strike to return.

Ahh! It's Rene Zelewiger. I can't spell her name and she is frightening! She's bulked up.

I just lost a bet with my wife - whether that 800 year old art production guy was going to be wheeled out or "escorted" out by some hot dames. I went with the wheelchair. This guy is surprisingly with it for his age. Now he's drifting off like an old coot.

Ahh, Penelope Cruz. When you talk, you inspire me to become a stalker.

Damn. Another Enchanted song. I should have written a song this year for a movie. I could have written one for There Will Be Blood – about drinking your milkshake. Drinking it up.

Glad the Frames guy won. Oh, good, they brought back the Frames guy's girl to give an uplifting speech.

Ah, the Parade of Dead Actors. Or, the time where I go "oh, I thought he/she died already?" and "who is that old person?" I guess in like 30 or 40 years this will be even more depressing when it's Brad Pitt and Gary Coleman.

Sweet. Diablo Cody won. Now strippers everywhere are going to be churning out the scripts.

Best Actor. D Day-Lewis is going to win, but Mortensen - he was a badass in Eastern Promises. Oh, and D Day-Lewis makes a subtle hint that he wants to be knighted.

Getting tired.... Benadryll works people. Sweet. It's over. No Country wins - deservedly so.

2008-02-20T07:17:00.000-08:00

Another Reason to Avoid the Ghost Bar

Ahh, another story from my beloved Dallas. Predatory women out on the town, hunting wealthy business men, slipping roofies in their drinks and making off with a Rolex or two. Best quote:
Police say the women should be considered armed and dangerous. In one
case, a knife was involved. And one 21-year-old Dallas man suffered a scalp
wound that may have been inflicted by a high-heel shoe.

Imagine that. You're an overpaid executive away on business, sitting alone at the Ghost bar, enjoying a $15 Coors Light, toying with the idea of cheating on your wife - when BAM - karma rears its ugly head. 30 minutes later your pants are down around your ankles and some chick cracked your skull open with a Chanel heel before snatching your iPod, your computer, leaving you with her calling card, an STD she picked up in Guatemala.

These guys should know better. If any girls came up to me and started hitting on me, I would know for sure it was some sort of scam, either the hidden-camera variety, or the skank-with-tranqulizers bit. I can't imagine the police are working too hard on stopping these girls, either. I would love to be the cop that responded to one of these calls...

2008-02-05T14:38:00.000-08:00

Random Thoughts

If this were a category on Jeopardy it would be "potpourri." When I was a teacher, some of the administrators I worked with would call this a "brain dump" - a term I found to be both hilarious and very vivid. We would frequently sit in faculty meetings and brain storm and brain dump about how to make the schools we worked in less pathetic. Most of the answers, unfortunately, involved removing the children, arson, fleeing to Canada, or some sort of involuntary drug regimen for the children involving the lunch lady, meat loaf, and whatever it is they use to make hyperactive children enamored with sitting still.

Anyway, we weren't very good teachers, I suppose, because all of our ideas were completely impractical. Is that a word? Impractical? But that was the situation, and there weren't any practical solutions, but we did what we could. I was thinking about this because I spoke with a former student who is now getting ready for college. He's going to Syracuse on a track scholarship, which is pretty impressive considering how I remember this student. Tiny as can be. But I don't know the first thing about track so being small might help with being aerodynamic. No idea. Anyway, the point is it felt really good to hear how well he is doing, how proud his mom is, and it makes me miss teaching.

Today is Super Tuesday. Living in Texas, there isn't really much exciting about it - sitting and listening to talking heads as the other states get a chance to impact the presidential race. Huckabee wins West Virginia? I didn't know Huckabee was still in the race. If I were a candidate, I wouldn't want people from W. Virginia voting for me. That would terrify me, and, more importantly, if W. Virginia votes for someone, you know it terrifies the entire country. Of course, I say this without any idea of who has won past primaries there. It's just a guess.

I might have Obamamania, and my support is mainly based on intangible things - because I don't see a huge difference between Obama and Clinton on the issues. From what I understand, there are differences there, but mainly in the execution of certain goals, not the ultimate goal. I just enjoy listening to him speak. After eight years of listening to the current administration, I would much rather have someone tell me the country is screwed up, eloquently, than get line after line of smirks, haughty laughs, and condescending half-truths. It will be interesting to see how many young voters come out in favor of Obama - I think it will make a big difference.

I've also been thinking about a Burger Tax. I don't why, or why it's capitalized, but I think if we could somehow coerce McDonalds into giving us a cut of profit for the problems they cause, that would be responsible of the company. $0.25 from every Baconator – that would add up quick.

Kay Jewelers. Damn. Thought we were done with these commercials once the holidays were over, but then, bam, right during some basketball game: the-trying-to-guilt-me-into-buying-some-crap-no-one-wants-for-Valentine's day-commercial. Imagine how much your significant other must love you if he/she gets you some $99 2-karat piece of mass-produced shit. I continue my boycott of Kay Jewelers. I invite you to join me.

Finally, the Super Bowl… I guess the lesser of two evils prevailed. If I close my eyes and imagine Eli Manning isn't on the Giants, they are almost a likeable group, and they did beat the Cowboys. When Bill Belichick opens his mouth, it's a very strange thing. He comes across as creepy, angry, disdainful, and intelligent, all at once. I imagine his office is full of medieval torture devices, Nietzsche books, and posters of Oliver North. If he hit his kids, it wouldn’t surprise me.

Time to watch some election results – Tom Brokaw is all fired up.

2008-01-24T07:20:00.000-08:00

Early Retirement

Now that I am faced with the prospect of working for the rest of my life, I find it interesting the things I start to think about that I never bothered with before. Many of my thoughts drift to inventing something. Anything. Some invention that will fund my retirement and keep me away from the grind. I imagine my invention to be the one thing that people don't realize they really need. A robot that does ... I don't know. Something precise and useful. Maybe it can peel potatoes and play MP3s

As you can see, I'm not likely to invent anything useful. However, just when I am about to give up, I usually discover some new product that gives me hope. And so it went with the kitty wig.

It would seem that pet owners and new parents are the most susceptible to ridiculous inventions. Maybe a kitty iPod or some sort of semi-automatic weapon for kitties to use on owners that make them wear these ridiculous wigs. Hmm... time to start sketching.

2008-01-10T13:48:00.000-08:00

My Cousin, the Diplododicasaur

So, for New Year's the wife and I decided to get out of town and avoid the dilemma of where to be in Dallas when the inevitably underwhelming midnight hour arrived. Wooo-hoooo, I'm drunk as shit in my shiny shirt! Woooooooo! I took out a second mortgage to be at some pretentious Dallas club full of equally unimaginative tools!

Anyway, this is how lame we are, and that's okay Our New Year's plan - bed and breakfast in a small town. Destination: Granbury, Texas. Population close to 2,000. Shiny shirts? Not likely. Wildlife refuge in close proximity? Definite plus. Dinosaur Valley State Park also nearby? We are so in. We will ignore the hypocrisy inherent in the price of a bed and breakfast vs. a pretentious Dallas club.

We left on Monday and headed directly to the Fossil Rim wildlife refuge, where many animals swarmed our car hoping to be fed the delicious pellets we were given the option to purchase at the entrance. However, we didn't purchase any of the delicious pellets after getting burned at the State Fair on a $8 bag o' feed the animals weren't the slightest bit interested in.

The Zebras were interested, though. One of them looked kind of on edge so I gave him a French fry. I hope he's still alive. It was an old French fry.

The second day we made our way out to Dinosaur Valley State Park. On our way into the park, strategically placed about a mile outside the entrance, we passed a curious building, similar to a barn, with large block letters plastered across the front that read: "Creation Evidence Museum." There was a logo of sorts depicting a man's footprint super-imposed over a dinosaur's footprint. My country-crazy-Jesus-hick radar began to go all haywire. These are the parts of Texas where "evidence" is loosely defined and science goes to die. We drove past it quickly and decided to check it out after the dinosaur footprint park, if there was time.

There were many a footprint to marvel at inside the park, not to mention some amazingly cool models of a T-rex and Brontosaurus from the '68 World's Fair in NYC. Can't believe NYC let these get away.

Seeing the park didn't take very long - and it was pretty much what we expected. Some limestone with some large footprints, as advertised. We decided to stop by the "museum" on the way out of town. The dirt road leading up to what is more accurately described as a "shed" was charming. There did not appear to be anyone on the grounds. I started to get an eerie feeling about what might be inside. The wife agreed. It was just too creepy. I put the risk of being kidnapped at 3%, the risk of being hypnotized and/or poisoned at about 4%. There was also the possibility of laughing out loud at the museum's desperate attempt at 'splaining dem dino-tracks, which in turn created a 3% of a nutjob assault. It turns out I would make a horrible journalist, and we left, content with googling the place when we got home. And google it we did.

From the CEM website:

Among museums this entity makes a unique contribution, demonstrating that man and dinosaur lived contemporaneously. Educators, professors, children, and adherents to various religions are finding answers to the great questions of life: Who am I?, Where did I come from?, What is my purpose here?, and Where am I going? In its ongoing research to find answers to
Who is God?, Was the Universe designed and created by a Creator?, and What do the Bible and Science teach about the heavens, man, animals, plants, etc?, the Museum researches and houses artifacts from archaeology, geology, and paleontology (such as the London artifact, the Meister Print, the cup in coal, the fossilized foot in a boot, the fossilized human finger, and others).

Turns out the "evidence" at the museum to support a history where man and dinosaurs lived together, harmoniously, perhaps just as Hannah Barbara envisioned, is basically just a bunch of craptacular rocks that look like human fossils and have been given mystical names. Anyway, to sum up, the place was frightening and I didn't even go inside. I am not one to tell someone what to believe, or to act like I know anything more than anyone else about the mysteries of the universe, but come on? Really? Carl Baugh, the museum's director, received his Doctorate of Theology from the unaccredited Louisiana Baptist University, where he was a memeber of the flat-earth society.

2008-01-01T18:43:00.000-08:00

happy new year!

Ahhh. Getting back into the swing of things. This one practically writes itself. Goodbye 2007, thanks for a nice ride, and as we mark this arbitrary distinction of time and move forward, here's hoping we leave a few things behind in 2007. Let's hope that no more members of the Spears species spawn in 2008, or ever, and not because I have anything against them, personally, but it is mainly the media's obsession with all things Spears that is most irritating. Let us hope that no more commercials will be made invovling children espousing the magic of "the mirrors." Let us also hope that Alvin and the Chipmunks marks the end of Jason Lee's accident of a career.

Bold predictions: good things will happen this year. More soon...

2007-11-29T13:34:00.000-08:00

Why are those two Flat-Chested Girls Wailing on Each Other?

Oh... that makes sense.

Only in Dallas. Or Vegas. We're in elite company here, folks. I wonder if this competition is open to post-op trannies? I'll see you there. 'Cause I'm classy. And because it sounds awesome. Oh, and a portion of the proceeds will be donated to breast cancer research, which raises some more questions: 1) how much will be donated; and 2) does this somehow attentuate the complete and "udder" lack of class associated with this train-wreck?

2007-11-29T08:19:00.000-08:00

Points

I love points. I really do. It doesn't matter how I get them, what they're for, or when they expire. And I've always loved them. I can recall my days as a fourth-grader at Thousand Oaks Elementary, racking up the points in math class by answering multiplication questions faster than the kids next to me. Said points could be exchanged for, I don't know, some craptacular plastic spider ring or maybe a pack of candy cigarettes (we had cool teachers). Whatever. It didn't matter. The point was getting the points. At the arcade I needed to have to high score at Galaga.

My love for points could quite possibly be genetic. I can recall many meals out with my dad where our choice of restaurant was limited to those offering "10 for 1" skymiles. I could respect that, though, being a "points" man, so it wasn't too irritating.

The thing is, these days, it seems like there are almost too many points out there. It doesn't seem to matter what I'm interested in doing, some marketing genius has found a way to "reward" me. Going to Spurs game? I can get some Spurs rewards. Buying a computer at Best Buy? Getting some reward points. Paying bills online? Now I can get me some points. Flying? Those bastards started it all. Sandwich at Which Wich? You know damn well I'm getting my card punched. 12-pack of Coke at the store. Hmm. Don't see any points yet. Oh, wait, open up the 12-pack and there are some Coke rewards points that can be redeemed online. Shit yeah. Gettin' me a free matinee movie ticket.

I guess it isn't a bad thing when companies try to generate loyalty and give something back to repeat customers. It's just hard to keep up with, and for those of us obsessed with our points, it's even more difficult. For example, the other day I ended up ordering 9 magazine subscriptions with some old Continental Airlines points that I will never use (because Southwest has a better points system). I don't even need 9 magazine subscriptions. But they were free, no strings attached, as long as I remember to cancel all 9 of them after one year. I might keep Cat Fancy, though. That shit looks tight.

In other news, Thanksgiving was good. Good to see family and gorge myself. For the next post I'm working on putting together a list of my top ten most hilarious internet videos. It will be amazing. Let me know if you have any suggestions....

2007-11-16T11:53:00.001-08:00

I'm Investing in Crack Pipes

If certain retroactive sentencing changes are enacted, an estimated 20,000 federal prisoners could serve shortened sentences for their crack cocaine offenses. All joking aside, I think this is a step in the right direction for eliminating racial disparities in federal drug sentencing. I really don't see the value of keeping someone encarcerated simply because they have used a certain drug; once they have served a reasonable sentence and have been given the opportunity to undergo treatment that should be the end of it. We use valuable federal resources - prison space and tax dollars - to keep these people locked up for lenghty prison sentences.

Here's hoping the changes go into effect and that our criminal justice system can spend its time pursuing those more deserving of scrutiny... like this Barry Bonds fellow.

2007-11-16T09:44:00.001-08:00

Apparently the Goo Goo Dolls have a greatest hits album that was just released. That's all I got, but I've been laughing about it for a day or so. This is the perfect Christmas gift. Not for me, but for someone you really, really dislike.

2007-11-01T08:54:00.001-07:00

Off the Charts

There is only one way to describe the "hit counter" for the Texas Board of Law Examiner's website - ridiculous. A friend recently sent me an email alerting me to the activity, and wow, the page is getting like 50 hits a second, if the counter is accurate. I click refresh and watch the tally climb. I wonder how many people visit the site just to watch the numbers move - it's kind of hypnotic... I also wonder if some people have designed a program to check the site every 5 seconds. It's out of hand, but there can't be that many people who have taken the exam - so who is so damn curious?? Firms? Well-wishers? Haters?

Either way, the list will be out when it's out, and then the real fun begins.

2007-10-31T07:08:00.000-07:00

I am calm.

Halloween and all is well. Work is good. House is good. Family, etc., good. Weather is nice. Baseball is finally over and basketball is back. Things are good.

Supposedly we find out our bar exam results tomorrow, which has many people freaking out and contemplating elaborate escape plans to Australia to avoid the potential disgrace that comes with failure. I feel an odd sense of calm, and this isn't because I am confident that I passed, or because I do not care if I passed - I definitely do - I am just at peace with whatever happens. It is what it is.

Oh, and the whiskey helps.

2007-10-23T07:33:00.000-07:00

I forgot.

Past few weeks there just hasn't been much happening, which, when I consider what constitutes something "happening" (knot science) is very, very sad. Bar exam results will be posted in about 2 weeks, which will be horribly tense.

Basically, to find out if you pass the Bar exam, it is my understanding that you go online and search through a gigantic list of names. If your name is not on the list, well, it's sort of like getting a 2-month prison sentence because you get to do it all over again in February! Yay!

2007-10-05T13:09:00.001-07:00

Finally, I can sleep at night.

During my daily foray onto the internets, I make frequent inquiries on the status of my fantasy football team. There are many aspects to a team that can be tweaked and adjusted, and in order to do this I have to start at the Yahoo! homepage, which features several headline news stories. I am frequently baffled by the "featured" headlines, but the one I saw today takes the cake: "The Science of Knots Unraveled."

Really? You mean, there are real scientists working on this? No shit? Apparently, two physicists from the research Mecca that is the University of California, San Diego, decided that this mystery needed to be solved. San Diego, huh?

The physicists used "string-tumbling experiments and mathematical models ... and determined which factors cause the knottiest knots." Fuckin' A, that's some radically useful science. Knots everywhere - be on notice. Your days are numbered.

I'll admit that knots can be irritating. I can admit to yelling at my fair share of knots, pumping my fists in a rage. However, I don't see how understanding the way a knot forms is going to stop them from forming. People who give a shit wrap their cords up, rubberband-style. That's how I roll. People who don't care are doomed to a meaningless existence full of heartbreak, despair, and countless hours spent unraveling extension cords.

We can only hope these scientific heroes go on to conquer the deeper, darker mysteries of science, such as why Arby's is so disgusting, or maybe why babies have such freakishly large heads.

2007-10-02T18:23:00.000-07:00

october so soon?

And the pressure is on to think of a Halloween costume. The conversation usually starts back in September. The wife loves Halloween, it's always been her favorite holiday next to Christmas. There is a certain formula to picking a costume, especially if you want to be a real person as opposed to a monster or an inanimate object. It's hard to pull off the celebrity/movie character costume, because it can't be too obvious, but it can't be too obscure. The other year I was Pee Wee Herman, and that was just right. The wife did Uma Thurman from Pulp Fiction, and that also worked. For pop-culture references, a certain amount of time has to have passed, or it has to be just recent and weird enough (a la the Astronaut lady in diapers - but that might be too stale)...

We can't do the "couple's costume." We're not that kind of couple, though I don't mean any disrespect to couple's costume couples. It's just not our thing. We know we're together, our costumes don't need to match. Maybe if we could somehow construct a mobile airport restroom, I'd be willing to be Sen. Craig if she would be my foot-tapping neighbor next door. Probably not going to happen, though.

Not to sound callous, but suicidal celebrities have always had a place in my heart. Especially when they can't quite finish the job. Owen Wilson is ripe for the picking this year. I guess I just don't have any sympathy for those who have so much yet can't seem to appreciate things. I do have the nose for the role...

At this point, there aren't a lot of great options out there. I guess I could just "put my junk in that box" and be JT... God that song is amazing... Or, there's always my favorite wrestler.

I felt compelled to insert a random picture to spice things up. Multimedia here folks. Crazy... Oooh, gotta go watch Caveman before it gets cancelled.

2007-09-24T19:18:00.000-07:00

the yard

The other day i found myself at home depot on a Friday night staring at leaf blowers. The store was mostly empty, and there was a surprisingly large selection of leaf blowers. But which one was right for me? Peer pressure can make a man do strange, unnatural things.

What was i doing there? Is there anything more pointless than a leaf-blower? In terms of return on investment per time spent in the yard, you can blow your entire yard clean, only to have it all return over night, like magic. When I was a young child, I can recall many days spent staring out the window as the neighbors waged war on tiny grass clippings and miscellaneous yard debris. It all looked so ridiculous, and I swore I would never waste any of my precious time on this planet engaged in a task so suburban and vacant.

And yet, I am now the owner of my very own leaf blower. Has post-graduation working life already become so monotonous that I am this concerned with the location of leaves in my yard? I know the answer is "no" - I like my job, and I like owning a house. What I hate, however, is the yard, or, more to the point, I hate everyone else's yard.

Every yard on my street is perfect. Sprinkler systems run constantly, trucks come and go, men hop in and out of the trucks and tend to the yards like the most delicate sculptures. And everyone has all the latest yard accessories: fertilizer spreader thingies, weed-eaters, edgers, ride-on mowers equipped with portable DVD players and GPS systems.

I own a mower. I do not have a yard crew, a yard team, or even a yard guy. It's me and the cheapest mower I could find. This, it seems to me, is all that needs to happen in a yard: grass grows, man cuts grass. The end. Somewhere my street decided that yards need to foster a sense of pride or community or something, and somewhere it got competitive.

A recent patch of dry weather and Texas sun caused a portion of my yard to turn a most ghastly shade of brownish-yellow. I was outside, getting something out of my car, when my neighbor happened by with his two inbred designer dogs. He paused and made polite small talk (the pretext) before commenting on my grass. "Ewwww... Gonna have to get that taken care of, huh?" I didn't know what to say. "Um, yeah, I guess," was the best I could do.

I guess this is what it's all about, then. My brownish-yellow patch is an embarrassment to the community. My neighbor's comment has sparked something in me, something that can only be described as the most primitive suburban urge for complete and total landscape domination.

I've got a leaf blower now. And soon there will be more equipment. I'm building an army, and soon squirrel s and other area wildlife will engage in epic wars to gain the right to live in my trees and shit on my driveway. Neighbors will nod in approval, and god help the unfortunate soul with a patch of brown grass.

2007-09-13T11:42:00.001-07:00

yay t.v.!

Aside from live sports, there is increasingly less and less on t.v. that i have any interest in watching. It would seem that the quest for novel concepts often results in a product that, well, is either so bad it's good, or it is just plain bad. A few things from the new fall lineup caught my eye:

Kid Nation: I don't really care what this show is about, or what happens when little Timmy gets wailed on by some bully, or when Junior finds hair growing in strange places. But wow - talk about a sweet deal for the parents. "You mean, you'll take my kid for 40 days? No parents around? Just tv cameras? There sure are a lot of waivers to sign, but sweet!" What a great idea - let's just let the kids run around, no script, maybe amp them up with sugar and prescription medication, and then wait for some Lord of the Flies style entertainment.

Cavemen: I swear this show was a commercial. Are you kidding me! This is proof that I, too, can be a producer. I can think of like eleven commercials that could transition to t.v. show and be more successful. A few examples: the "where's the beef?" lady could spend at least three seasons looking for the beef - imagine the possibilities! She could even find the beef on the series finale! Or, the little butterfly from the Lunesta commercials, the one that puts everyone to sleep - THAT is a character with rich potential capable of winning multiple emmys--maybe even a film franchise. The neon green butterfly (or "luna moth" for all you who give a shit about being precise) would go around, listening to people's problems, stealing their souls and maybe the butterfly would have a friend. I don't know. The point is, t.v. sucks.

"I am coming to eat your SOUL!"

2007-09-10T09:52:00.000-07:00

um... i don't know... can't we just put Oreos on some crust?

When commercials come on, if I forget to mute the t.v., i am often disturbed. It would seem that our nation's chain restaurants are at it again. Each chain now seems to possess a giant wheel, pioneered by the people at taco bell, with various food ingredients. Once a month, the powers-that-be spin the wheel twice (or maybe three times!) and then strive to create a product incorporating said ingredients. Because of this, we now all know the pain of the chocolate-covered gummi bear (muddy bears! mmm!), the McGriddle sandwich, and now the new king of fastfood fusion gone awry: the oreo pizza.

Seriously? That is probably the sickest thing i have ever seen. Get it while supplies last...

2007-09-04T13:12:00.001-07:00

viva france

So, I finally got around to watching the latest Michael Moore documentary, Sicko, and all I have to say is that it is the type of movie that everyone should see, regardless of their feelings about Moore's political agenda. Beyond his pandering (though his volume was turned down significantly in this film) lies the simple truth: our country's health care is messed up.

I don't claim to be any expert on health care, politics, etc., but the simple stories that Moore uses work to convey a much larger point - we treat poor people like shit because it's good business, and because they have limited resources to demand otherwise.

I am now anxiously awaiting my first encounter with an HMO, and I am terrified.

2007-08-28T19:31:00.000-07:00

wha happened?

I think I have ADD, or something like it. I'll be at work, reading something, and then I'll think to myself "is Fidel Castro dead?" And I don't even know the answer to that question because I don't really pay much attention to the news these days; there really isn't any reason. I can pretty much guarantee that the stories read something like this: (1) something horrible happened in Iraq; (2) a Republican is gay; (3) random sports scandal; (4) this type of story (for some reason, the news never gets tired of showing buildings getting demolished); (5) celebrity scandals and (6) a baby panda was born somewhere. And so I go online, and then forget that I even wanted to find out about Castro and instead I am jumping around between the 8 different websites I know of, and then someone sends me an email and what will I have for lunch today? and i still don't know if Castro is dead, and I don't even want to know anymore, but it sure did distract me earlier.

Luckily I work for the government now, and no one really seems to mind, and I wonder how many people I know are as incredibly unproductive as I am. I guess I'll find out when I have to bill by the second next year...

2007-08-23T08:31:00.000-07:00

Billboard's #1 Firm Theme Song

Every once in a while someone will send me something so ridiculously awful that I would stop what I'm doing at work and post a link to share with, I don't know, my sister, or whoever.

What I want to know is (1) who is singing this and (2) where did their career go so horribly wrong that they are forced to sing law firm theme songs?

It did kind of get me pumped up for the day, though, almost as much as the Ultimate Warrior (which has probably become my most favorite YouTube video of all time - I think one could find the tenets of a new religion in the Warrior's ramblings).

2007-08-18T20:51:00.000-07:00

Waiting for September...

The past few weeks have been kind of hectic. Settling into to a new house, a new city, new job, all of that can be kind of exhausting. This is the only weekend I'll have that doesn't involve guests visiting, weddings, or being out of town for the foreseeable future. So, as a result, little writing, and actually very little to write about, unless you want to know about antique auctions and why they are incredible. And yes, they are incredible. If they sold booze at antique auctions I would buy season tickets.

This part of the year is absolute worst. While I know many people could care less about sports, the fact is that sports are usually a pretty good gauge of what time of year we're dealing with. When I turn on ESPN and find baseball, I'm usually mildly irritated. But, when I turn on ESPN and find little league baseball, I am sincerely outraged. Is this the best we can do to entertain people?? Watching parents from Canada yell at their pimply-faced kids in HD while some kid from Saudi Arabia steals home on a wild pitch is something that reminds me I can change the channel. The moral is: this time of year is crap. 100 degree weather, hurricanes, and back to school.

But wait, the only other thing on is the 7 seconds of Michael Vick footage where he walks in and out of a courthouse. This guy is so amazingly stupid that he almost makes me want to write him hate mail. The fact that he called the operation "Bad Newz Kennels" and couldn't pay someone else to do his dirty work boggles the mind. He should have to spend a year in jail, and then participate in a live televised event on FOX where he has to escape from 4 pissed off pitbulls, where the only way he can escape would be to throw 3 complete passes in a row to Falcons receivers. And, just to spice it up, we'll let people gamble on it, so Vick can appreciate it. I like the dogs' chances.

September can't come soon enough.

2007-08-10T16:50:00.000-07:00

A Kinder, Gentler Satan

The new neighborhood is kind of interesting. I always enjoy a good friendly message from a sign about whatever topic the sign feels like sharing with me. I learn a lot from billboards. This one, a few blocks from my house, made me reach for the camera. I'm not surprised that Satan will "steal kill" for me, I pretty much figured that (and, actually, this seems kind of useful), but the "Love Satan" caught me off guard. Seems like "Eat shit and die, Satan" would be more appropriate, or maybe "Go Screw Yourself, Satan."

Anyway, life in Dallas continues... Work starts Monday. Boooooo.

2007-08-04T13:26:00.000-07:00

14 days?

So, I am a Dallasite. I have been told that this is what I am now. In a little over a week I start working at the courthouse downtown, and I probably won't be able to keep this bit of procrastination going. Especially because fantasy football will be kicking into gear. We'll see.

Dallas is hot and heavily paved. I now own a house, which is a strange feeling. I have spent more time in large stores full of useless decorative knick-knacks then I care to think about. The rest of the time I have been in home-depoish stores. I now smell like a mix of scented candles and sawdust. At some point the madness will stop, either when my credit card is declined or the house is "done." I am hoping for sooner than later.

The house is cool, though, in a good neighborhood. It is a good neighborhood because it is close to downtown. I don't understand how people commute for more than 20 minutes to work. Maybe that's why everyone in Dallas owns (or leases, I guess) nice cars, in order to be comfortable whilst sitting on the highways... I have much to learn about this city.

The most amazing thing, though, is the cable company. I cannot live without the internet. I don't know how to read a map anymore, the yellowpages overwhelms me, and without access to google life is ridiculously complicated. It is going to take Time Warner 14 days to come and hook up internet at my house. This seems absurd to me, like it should be a violation of some law. It's good business for this coffee house though. Gotta support the local businesses.

2007-07-30T12:06:00.000-07:00

vacation...

Moving to Dallas, so no posts for a bit... don't be sad. I'll be at Home Depot if you need anything. Patio furniture here I come.

2007-07-27T21:47:00.000-07:00

(insert sound of liver squealing)

My brain is finally able to do what it was intended to do--filing away useless sports information and waiting for football season. I have been unable to properly report on things to this point, but this is my last "bar" post... thankfully.

That test was awful. I don’t know why I thought that exam might be a bit easier than it was, but it was definitely a humbling experience. As far as the actual test goes-- me vs. the test-- I was destroyed. I guess the curve is really really helpful, or else there will be trouble in November. For future generations of bar applicants, I can offer this recap of the festivities:

I typed the exam, which means, because my typewriter was broken, I used my computer. I took the exam at the Palmer events center. The chairs are comfy relative to the Crockett Center, and the room is a nice subdued shade of gray. It felt sort of like the Rothko Chapel in Houston, except full of plastic tables and crazed idiots. One lady even wore a "SARS" mask for some reason. I went "earplugs" for my first exam ever, and aside from the fact that I had to listen to the breathing inside of my head, it was a good move.

I arrived early at the Palmer because for some reason there is one parking garage, with one exit, and if you don't get there early you end up parking deep in the recesses of the garage and have to sleep there at night with the hobos. People sit in their cars, studying, and their cars run to keep the A/C going and the carbon monoxide probably counterbalances whatever knowledge is being absorbed.

Bonus - the Palmer is 50 yards from a Whataburger. Food at my house consists of American cheese slices, Vitamin Water, and a banana that has seen better days. Once again, I owe Whataburger for saving my ass. Taquitos contain an egg-related substance that really does the job.

By 7:20am I am staring at flashcards because basically I am just a highly-caffeinated robot, retaining nothing but unable to stop myself. If there is a stack of flashcards I must get through it; this puts me at ease for some reason.

The exam instructions begin at 8:00am. The guy reading the instructions is all kinds of awful. He speaks so slowly that you want to shout out the instructions for him, and I mumble sarcastically to myself, no doubt irritating the person next to me.

The essay exam begins. The questions are full of people with stupid names doing stupid things. Some people started a meat-processing business. Some other guy left a guy named Herbert $500,000 in his will, but then decided that he didn't want to leave Herbert $500,000. Fickle jerks and careless people screwing each other over, and me with my laptop, a blank screen, and three hours to make up laws and answer six questions.

10:20 am, and I check the available fonts on the exam software, only to find that they have included “Wingdings." This amuses me to no end and I imagine how awesome it would be to fail the exam with 100% Wingding responses. This occupies my mind for far too long and at some point I settle with using emoticons to indicate when I am bullshitting. Example: "Under Texas Law ;0 ;0, a court could find that this guy is a jerk ..." I hope they have a sense of humor.

Laws were created, decisions were made, mistakes were made. It was hard to fight back the feeling of elation of being done with the need to write and write some more. It's over now, and normal life can resume. Congrats to everyone...

2007-07-25T15:30:00.000-07:00

good times

Wow. Two days down, and i'm already feeling like february is a real possibility. The multiple-choice questions were ridiculous, and I'm left wondering how that measures anyone's ability to do anything other than go cross-eyed. Normally, I'd try to make a joke out of the situation, but that was awful, and tomorrow doesn't look much better. I hope I'm good at guessing.

By tomorrow night, I will be incapable of committing first degree murder.

2007-07-23T15:49:00.000-07:00

Ahh... Relaxation.

Since that is what my schedule says to do, I guess I will just "rest and relax" today because I "am going to do fine."

Oh, wait, there's a huge thunderstorm and the lord is going to destroy my house and home, but first he or she is going to give my poor cowardly dog a heart-attack with 10,000 lightning strikes. Then the house will be destroyed. You know things are bad when your first thought at the sound of the storm is "my laptop - just don't fry my laptop!" I would fail the exam on sight if someone had to look at my handwriting.

I wish all of you (all 5 of you) out there good luck. Feels good to almost be done with this. Then we get to spend 3 years doing document review.

2007-07-21T19:25:00.000-07:00

"It's Better Than Anywhere I've Ever Been"

--- Jennifer Love Hewitt, on attending her first soccer game to see David Beckham limp around.

2007-07-20T16:56:00.000-07:00

Appointed by the Supreme Court of Texas

I have just finished reading the instructions for the Bar Exam. I got 45% correct.

General Instruction #13 from the Board of Law Examiners Instructions:

“SOUND SUPPRESSION DEVICES: The use of sound suppression devices other than standard in-the-ear earplugs must be inspected and approved for usage by the site administrator before beginning of each exam session.”

Question #1 – What the hell other kinds of earplugs are there other than “in-the-ear earplugs”? In-the-nose? Mouth? Somewhere else?

Question #2 – Are these an acceptable sound suppression device?

I am imagining the meeting where Bar Examiners discussed the guidelines for determining an acceptable sound suppression device. This was possibly an amazing meeting.

2007-07-18T21:42:00.000-07:00

New, Improved Fed. R. of Evi.

Rule 1:

Just let everyone testify. Perverts, aliens, cats, dogs, parrots, cartoon characters, all of them. Dead. Alive. Excited and insane uttering perverted parrots. Your baby's mama can testify. That talking guitar that Peter Frampton has - let it take the stand and rock. The Bible. It can testify. Stephen Hawking's machine voice and the Radiohead robot voice from Fitter, Happier. Again, no objections here. Know a Transformer? I bet they are some truthful sonsofbitches.

Rule 2:

Think the defendant is a crack head? Call him a crack head. Our juries aren't so easily fooled. Did the Plaintiff take a dump and not wash his hands in 1967? The jury needs to know this, and if you feel like coming to court to tell them, why should anyone stop you? I certainly won't object. Maybe you didn't even see it happen, maybe someone told you, but now they live in Finland and when they told you they were being treated by a radiologist they recently divorced. American juries can sort through it all.

I move for an Emergency Law Thing to have these rules applied no later than Monday.

2007-07-16T10:54:00.000-07:00

The Reality

I wake up around 9:45 or 10:00 because the night before I was up late watching reruns of SportsCenter, baffled by the concept of “Who’s NOW?" and commenting to myself that someone at ESPN needs to get fired. And maybe I’m hungover, maybe from Benadryl or Wal-a-dryl or maybe from some booze, and the dog threw up on the floor because she’s secretly the canine reincarnation of Hitler. I know this because the vomit is in the form of a swastika.

I walk out into the living room and there are piles of books and papers and stacks of flashcards that will never be looked at. This depresses me and so I walk to FlightPath and get some coffee, stare at the yellow walls, and read the Onion. I am blessed with the ability to be distracted or make excuses even in the most inappropriate situations. Did I pay my credit card bill? Better go on-line and see. Now that I’m here, is there a trade rumor I should know about regarding any WNBA all-stars? As a patriotic American, I should be sure to watch the Hotdog Eating contest at least twice—even though I know who wins. I liken myself to the Kobayashi of bar reviewing, cramming statute after statute into my head until I vomit it through my nose and maybe win a trophy. I like the image, but this would require that I study. Any news on Transformers 2? What did Mundo write on Sullivan’s wall? All of these minor issues take on the most pressing weight of seriousness and I have to cross each one off the list before I can look at another statute hotdog. Cigarette? Sure. There’s gotta be something in nicotine to make me smarter. Coffee? Well of course.

At some point the guilt of not studying overcomes the urge to procrastinate, and for maybe an hour or two I am on, and I draw an elaborate picture with →→→’s and $$$$ to make sense of commercial paper. This takes forty-five minutes but it is worth it. Then it is dinner time so I look inside the care package the firm sent and I guess it’s Doritos, Twix and aspirin for dinner. A friend with a normal life calls and tells me I’m a douchebag, asks me to come have a drink, and laughs before I can answer. I mumble something about “all this work” I have to do. Outside my window a bird chirps incessantly. I tell the cat to go and kill the bird. The cat ignores me. If I could talk to animals I wouldn’t have to be taking this test. Then I cut a deal with myself. Just answer 50 multiple choice questions, and if you get 80% correct, you can watch SportsCenter. I get 68% correct and remember the 12% margin of error I forgot to include in my deal. Where’s the whisky? Did David Beckham get a hair cut today? Who's NOW?

2007-07-15T14:42:00.000-07:00

best laid plans...

I guess I have to come to terms with the fact that things aren’t going according to plan....

The Vision

I awake every morning at 7am and recite the Bill of Rights and Pledge of Allegiance, which I had blown-up to 125-point font, laminated, and glued to my bedroom ceiling. Getting out of bed I turn on the coffee and allow myself five minutes of internet news browsing—no sports—only the Times. By 7:10 I am taking the dog on a briskly-paced walk, waiving to neighbors and imagining various tort scenarios that could play out if my dog were to become unleashed and maim a mentally handicapped member of a quasi-suspect group. 7:45 and I am home, breakfast appears somehow, and it is time for yoga and other mystical eastern arts of mental clarity. Shower. Floss. Check for testicular cancer. 8:30 and I am ready to be one with the law. The next 8 hours are spent absorbing every nuance of every statute, outlining essay topics, and creating 10-27 letter mnemonics for the MBE. During my allotted 5 minute break I memorize state capitals and learn the geography of Eastern Europe. There is no need to use the bathroom because my body is perfectly efficient. Dinner is delivered by an elderly neighbor who is indebted to me for rescuing her cat after a freak hot-plate accident (strict liability?) set her house ablaze. She lives in my shed and cooks homemade gnocchi with a summer tomato sauce that is so delicious you weep. After dinner I enjoy a non-alcoholic beer, balance my check book and correspond with indigenous prisoners I hope to one day represent after I pass the bar exam. In bed by 9:30, I dream of John Marshall.

Tomorrow I'll give you the reality...

2007-07-13T22:48:00.001-07:00

I do not like mosquitos. If they were any kind of bug worth a shit they would figure out how to get the blood out of me painlessly and without the itch. There would be a lot less dead mosquitos if their proboscis (a fancy word for sucky-beak i learned on wikipedia) packed some vitamins or maybe some botox for the ladies. Someone please make it happen.

If you don't know what a mosquito is there is a picture of one.

And, in other news, this site is going to make someone very rich. Make sure your sounds is on... And no, it's not that awesome new cell phone tracing website everyone raves about.

2007-07-12T16:06:00.000-07:00

Barbri 2.0

Soon I will run out of clean underwear. Understandably this is not a very big deal to anyone. If need-be I can do without. What is important is that, staring at the large pile of laundry littered across my room, it has become very clear that BarBri simply doesn’t do enough.

Assuming that at some point I will actually pass this exam and get to practice law, and once I get burned out, I am calling “dibs” (this, I’ve learned, is a valid future interest) on the luxury bar prep company. Anyone out there interested in starting this company with me? All we need is a snappy name. The lectures will have catered breakfasts, ice sculptures, ergonomic chairs, and instead of frustrated wannabe law prof comedians, we’ll have actual comedians or comically pathetic celebrities. M.C. Hammer on secured credit, O.J. on Crim Law. I don’t know how much this will cost, but it doesn’t mater, because law firms will want to pay for it. It will be a competitive marketing advantage for recruiting.

Yes, it is true that I have filled in many a blank this Summer and on some subconscious level this makes me feel confident. Well done BarBri. But, who is going to do my laundry while I make piles of flashcards and talk with the FBI? (Yes, the FBI is coming to my house tomorrow – what timing – to discuss my security clearance needed for my judges’ chambers). BarBri PLUS will offer laundry service, chair massages, origami classes, and dog-walking. Just a thought…

2007-07-09T20:58:00.000-07:00

last minute ideas

What? It's my birthday? And you didn't get me anything??? If you're not consumed by guilt there's still time to get me something. A few suggestions:

1) Open the Eyes Time Life Video (I'm really into ultimate worship anthems these days - and check out the glowing reviews!)
2) Tickets to Lobsterfest
3) Kittens
4) RedRider BB gun
5) Muddy Bears (proof that candy inventors are out of ideas)
6) Some Allspark
7) Norbit (director's cut) or Ghost Rider... i'm down for whichever
8) I might be getting greedy at this point
9) A list of 10 looks better, though
10) time machine

2007-07-08T20:13:00.000-07:00

An Even Minier Review:

So, apparently “conviser” is not a word, but a person. Someone (assholishly) decided to break this news to me earlier today as if he was the 3rd President or had donated me his kidney.

I thought “conviser” made a cool word, and I’d been using it in casual conversation. Example: “Hey man, did you see those conviser highlights on sportscenter of the professional lacrosse all-star game skills competition???!!? They were to the point!”

See, it sounds kind of like “concise” and “reviser”, and after looking at the book I would imagine the word would also have something to do with an emphasis on charts and diagrams. But fuck if he isn’t a real dude living somewhere in Illinois teaching law at some piece of crap school. Richard J. Conviser. There he is. He would have been cooler as a word.

Either way, I’ve decided that I am going to take his mini-review and make it smaller. The mini-mini review will be 8 pages long and contain only the following words:

“reasonable” “negligence” “amendment” “duty” “easement” “deed” “malice” and “breach". It will be amazing.

2007-07-08T12:22:00.000-07:00

Dress Code?

My friend Adam tells me that the Georgia bar has a dress code. Apparently you can’t wear flip flops, “fashion hats” (whatever those are – top hats maybe?), or bandanas. Additionally, “revealing clothing is not appropriate and may be distracting to other applicants.” Yeah, I can see how a little side boob might keep me from concentrating on something as unimportant as the bar exam.

This got me thinking about what I’m going to wear here in Texas, where, to my knowledge, there is no dress code. There are several ways to go, and while I’m still entertaining offers from various designers, there are just too many options for me to decide:

1) Camouflaged with face paint and maybe a giant stuffed animal
2) The Speedo/Cowboy Boots/Tank top combo
3) South American Goal Keeper (think Jorge Campos circa 1993)
4) Count Chocula

I guess with three days of testing I could change it up. Back to work...

2007-07-04T12:50:00.000-07:00

GOOD and EVIL

A simple list…

GOOD: Entourage DVDs (and, derivatively, Netflix), Transformers, the iPenis (trust me, it will be here soon), taunting the British, kittens, Andrew Bird, competitive eating, rampant cursing, collecting parking tickets and then moving far away.

EVIL: ESPN Insider, the general dearth of decent sports (fuck you NASCAR, Baseball, Wimbledon), endless rain ruining things, idiots on Craigslist who can’t read or spell or buy my worthless crap, people with iPhones at the gym, the parking meter cocksucker ninja who must have hid in the bushes to give me a ticket in less than 3 minutes, sobriety.

2007-07-01T14:54:00.000-07:00

July 1st

This date seems important. Aside from it being Canadian Independence Day, rent is due. There are 24 Days until the bar. 2 Days until Transformers. 2 Days until wedding anniversary. 2 Days until my wife has to sit through Transformers on our anniversary.

She’s a clever one, the wife. She's smart enough to plan a 3 week hike on the John Muir Trail in California while I slowly deteriorate into a caffeinated, twitchy, super law encyclopedia asshole. While she gets chased by bears and poops in the woods, I’ll be piling Wendy’s wrappers all over the house and gluing index cards that explain wild animal tort theory to the cat and dog. She gets back and we move to Dallas 3 days later. Those 3 days will be nothing but fun—of this I am certain.

Also, in “blogging” news, I realized that no one really reads this (and man, site tracking software can really confirm such a suspicion), and that is fine, but then I realized that there is no real point in writing something if no one reads it, and so I have attempted to link to other UT blawgs in hopes of poaching readers. All 6 of them.

And finally, in other news… real property can suck it. No, seriously, in minority states like Nevada it really can suck it.

2007-06-28T18:24:00.000-07:00

This was mildly cathartic, and perhaps it would have been more enjoyable if the book had fought back.

2007-06-26T12:51:00.000-07:00

Things to do in Bar Lecture When You're Dead

It’s been odd sitting in bar class for the past month or so without the amusement usually derived from looking at other people’s computer screens. Throughout law school I was lucky enough to spy on one dude trying to hook up with a fat, married chick, countless YouTube videos, and the constant AIM shit- talking that law students are so adept at. Now, when my mind needs wander, I have been forced to amuse myself with a more traditional sort of entertainment: staring at people. I can...

1) Watch the chick with the fake tits and incredibly curly hair get up and walk around for no reason whatsoever. She throws away trash, gets Dr. Peppers, stands up, pees 4 times an hour, and does countless other things one could do during the break, possibly because her fake tits command her to do so.

2) Stare at the annoying couple lovingly caress each other’s back whilst trying to hold back projectile vomit.

3) Glare at the dude sitting next to me who has the following note-taking accessories at his disposal: 3 highlighters (blue, yellow, green), 2 pens (one black, one red), one bottle of water, one mug of coffee, one cell phone, a watch, his barbri badge, the newspaper, and a pack of gum. Kind of like the bus in the movie Speed, this guy will explode if he isn’t constantly picking up, setting down, or eating one or more of the above items at any given moment, all while shaking the table violently with “happy leg” disorder.

4) Watch the bird trapped in the warehouse fly into things, hoping it will shit on any of the aforementioned people.

2007-06-20T15:25:00.000-07:00

Whatchutalkingabout Usury Laws?

I am seriously about to be getting serious about some bar studying. I know this because I am planning out a strategy for tabbing and generally pimping out all my barbri books. It’s going to be amazing. I’m thinking multi colored tabs, maybe some duct tape for extra-strength reinforcement, and of course aluminum foil to protect them from harmful radiation.

Studying, however, is still approximately a week away. In the mean time there have been quite a few things happening on the TV. Gary Coleman is doing his part to make people’s lives easier. I recently spotted him in a commercial pimping some payday loan company. I have never really paid attention to any of these commercials, but holy shit the fine print is amazing.

Gary Coleman, sage financial adviser, is using his adorable face to offer people loans with a 99.25% APR. My first thought was, well, anyone who takes financial advice from Gary Coleman deserves what they get, even if that means a loan of $2600 costs them about $9000. My second thought was, why isn’t this a violation of whatever law protects stupid people from Gary Coleman’s adorable face.

Before I could have a third thought I became extremely excited by the commercial for the Ghost Rider DVD. Apparently, the DVD is packed with additional unseen footage—which I imagine is the entire movie, but that’s just a guess..

2007-06-17T19:09:00.000-07:00

One More Week

Sunday evening at the coffee shop and I spy another person actually studying for the bar, their brow furrowed as they thumb through pages, making important notations in the margins. We’re still something like 37 days away, and this guy looks like he’s in the middle of finals during 1L year. Earplugs littered across the table, a large, almost comically huge cup of coffee, and the early stages of a beard.

This guy is irritating as shit. His computer isn’t even open, so he can’t be doing what I imagine he should be doing, which is going to www.eagerdouchebag.com to upload pictures of himself. I have my book out, though, unopened, and I’m happy to report that the book is amassing a decent amount of wear-and-tear just through being carted around from place to place. I think I need one more week of filling in blanks before the real work begins.

In another alarming turn of events, golf has become interesting. I blame the bar for this, as only the most extreme obstacles in life could summon such procrastination tactics. Golf, when you’re as awful as I am, can take several hours, and watching golf can occupy the rest of the day. And, since you’re outside, it can kind of count as exercise. And, since beer is involved, it can kind of be awesome. I might even need to get some lessons. And I should probably watch the extended director's cut of The Legend of Bagger Vance.

2007-06-17T19:07:00.000-07:00

Brooms

Thank goodness Cleveland didn’t pull out any wins. What an awful series of basketball. My favorite moment from Game 4 was when backup point guard Eric Snow was trying to motivate his team during a timeout, yelling hollow clichés at them about adversity and rising up, while no one was listening to him. Snow is basically a washed up player, useful only because he has been fortunate enough to be on teams that made it to the Finals before. While he yelled, Lebron sat there, furiously biting his nails, probably thinking about his newborn’s initials (his name is Bryce Maximus), and other players seemed to be watching the on-court entertainment. The series was over before it began, and only Snow seemed to think otherwise.

It’s great to see Finley get a title, and it’s great to see the Spurs be rewarded for their dominating defense. But, as a fan of the game, the league needs to figure out how to get a decent match-up for the Finals. The two most difficult series for the Spurs were the first two teams they faced: Denver and Phoenix. Barring injury, the 4th title seemed inevitable, which is why I am relieved it is over.

2007-06-14T16:26:00.000-07:00

Go Cavs?

Not that I’m really pulling for the Cavaliers in Game 4, but as much as it pains me to say it, I can see an upside to a Game 5. I told myself that once the NBA Finals are over, then, and only then, will I start to approach studying for the bar with a degree of seriousness.

Up to this point, I have been to every class—an improvement over my recent academic attendance record, and I have occasionally taken my books to a coffee house and stared at them whilst watching amazing videos on Youtube. But the serious, down and dirty memorization, well, we’re still around 40 days away. Seems too soon.

But I hear stories of other people studying, making flashcards, ruining what little chance of a summer they have, and this concerns me. I comfort myself with the knowledge that several attorneys I know passed the bar, presumably on their first try, and some of these attorneys, well, let us just say that they are far from what one would consider “academic.”

Well, if the sweep goes down like I imagine it will, I can at least wait until the U.S. Open is over… it’s amazing how any and all sports start to become interesting when the alternative is memorizing the Texas pretermitted child statute.

2007-06-13T20:46:00.000-07:00

Rubbing it in.

This morning all of the students were greeted with the announcement that "new, metal folding chairs" were now available, in case the older, plastic chairs currently in use were not satisfactory. We were instructed not to rush over and get one, so as to not cause a mob of students eager to trade in one form of Chinese torture for an even more uncomfortable, spine-morphing sort of chair. Perhaps this was in response to the student who fell on his ass when one of the older plastic chairs exploded in the middle of lecture.

2007-06-04T20:51:00.000-07:00

The Good Folks at Chipotle...

So, for tomorrow's Hunger Awareness Day, the fine people at Chipotle burrito places across Austin are running a promotion, tomorrow only, where you get a free burrito for bringing in one canned good, benefitting the local food bank... While their heart is in the right place, wouldn't it make better sense just to give people a burrito??? Last time I checked, an enormous free burrito fills me up better than a can of beans...

2007-06-04T19:06:00.000-07:00

Bar Review Revelation #1

My ass hurts. My already jacked-up back is starting to fold as well. Today I noticed a fellow student had brought his own chair from home, a more comfortable looking folding chair that is definitely scoring points with the ladies.

This damn company must be making an absolute killing ($3000 per student, around 450 students); the least they could do is offer us some sort of chair upgrade option, or maybe a free cushion. This leads me to bar review revelation #2: the firms don't give a shit about us anymore. We all either have jobs or are totally unemployable. Whereas before the entire room would have been littered with free pens and breakfast sponsored by whoever, now we don't get squat. Coffee costs a dollar and there isn't even a vending machine.

This week is bulk trash pick-up in my neighborhood, and I noticed my neighbor placed a decent looking recliner on his lawn. Hmmm... I wonder how sweet that would be...

2007-05-30T12:44:00.000-07:00

Living Blank-to-Blank…

So, a little more than a week into the bar classes and there is really only one word to describe things—painful. Around 400 law students sitting in folding chairs, eyes glazed over while some professor reads an outline with military precision, their voice barely audible over the hum of the air conditioning and other miscellaneous noises. A principle of law is recited, and then an example is offered to highlight the principle in practice, over and over, until the entire exercise becomes almost unbearable. Imagine being read instructions for hours at a time, filling in the operative terms.

The 750 page fill-in-the-blank workbook renders all thinking completely unnecessary, though in theory we are “engaged” in the material. Today it was criminal law, and in 3 hours we covered the same amount of material covered in an entire semester of first year lectures.

The only thing one can do is succumb. If your mind wanders, you miss a blank, and the blank is left empty, and then you better hope someone on the left or right of you filled in their blank, or you are screwed. After each hour we get our 10-minute break, precious time spent wandering around the warehouse aimlessly, chatting with other students about how “this sucks” and “man, doesn’t this blow?”

When class is over, students frantically leap out of their chairs and try to contain the Fred Flintstone-like excitement that overcomes the mob as they hurry to their cars. There is but one stoplight for the parking lot, and the exodus is not for faint of heart. Four hours of filling-in-the-blank leads to some vicious maneuvering where pedestrians stand little chance for survival.

June is around the corner. The bar exam is still something in the distant future, and the evenings are free for engaging in denial or considering alternative career plans. I hear there is a Wizard Academy in north Austin… hmmmm.

2007-05-21T16:05:00.001-07:00

But wait... there's more.

I have experienced a few soul-crushing moments in my life. Derek Fisher's .4 shot against the Spurs. The death of my first cat. The results of recent presidential elections. I'll admit that my life could not really be classified as difficult, but like most Americans I have the ability to revel in self-pity and despair regardless of my true circumstances.

The most recent soul-crushing moment occurred today at approximately 3:16pm when I received a large box, weighing approximately 40 lbs., full of study materials for the July Bar Exam. Large, thick books full of things I maybe knew once during my first year of law school, or from classes I avoided taking so that I could, I don't know, keep hidden the deep mystery of what a "secured transaction" was.

Graduation was Saturday. The future looked promising. Until I walked into the enormous concrete warehouse that will be the site of our bar prep lectures. Rows and rows of plastic tables, barren walls, like an East German pep rally circa 1974. There are 64 days until the exam begins. Assignment #1 - Sales and Contracts. Let the fun begin...

2007-05-08T13:18:00.000-07:00

DONE.

Man I love that word... done. done. done. finished. no more. no mas. no more library. no more shitty coffee from the coffee stand. no more parking illegally all day. no more exams, no more emails from the Dean about pencils or ghetto parties, done, no more being a student. It would feel ever better if the past year had not essentially been an exercise in avoiding work, but it feels good nonetheless. Peace to all the 1Ls and 2Ls who remain, peace to the mentors and the law review kids, and peace to the albino squirrels and the people at lava java who cheefully deliver good tacos. Off to to west Texas for a few days then on to Denver, then graduation. then the bar. booooo.

2007-04-30T11:13:00.000-07:00

Playoffs Again...

Wow. is there anything more satisfying than watching the historic mavs meltdown?? I can only think of two things and neither of them can I discuss without blushing. The NBA needs to reconsider their format, because there is no way that Golden State is a true 8-seed considering their late-season surge ( nor Denver a 6-seed)... The NBA should allow the #1 seed to pick their opponent among the 7 other teams, on down the line so the 4-5 matchup is whoever is left over. I can't see any real downside to this; and it could prevent a meaningless series like the potential Golden St. v. Houston in the semifinals...

Also, from the random playoff notes, I have to say that I've lost most of the repsect I had for Dirk; he must discover his testicles or he can spend the offseason searching for them (hint: look in Nelson's blender). I am a Golden St. convert; before this series I dind't know the name of their arena, or any player on their team, but they play ridiculously fun basketball. Baron Davis = D Wade.

Also, I don't ever watch TNT except during playoffs, and I have to say that if I see one more nonsensical promo spot for "Amazing Grace" I am going to kick a puppy. The promos don't make any sense or explain anything about the show other than there is some chick who looks like Janis Joplin and she has drunken sex, and then she somehow becomes an angel or some shit. I guess I don't watch enough TV to know if this is considered a good premise.

2007-04-26T17:29:00.000-07:00

Slipping even Further...

So I get an email today that when I go and take my final law school exam that I have to bring my own pencil. No shit? The law school is no longer providing us with pencils!!??? The only possible explanations are that:

1) law firm marketing people did not hear about this in time to cut down their secret stash of rain forests and make good with some Fulbright #2s.

2) this is some strategic move for UT to jump in the law school rankings; perhaps recent unemployed graduates will be employed to roam the campus in pencilmobiles profiteering on the pervasive unawareness of the pencilless, thereby making UT law competitive again.

The problem with this announcement is that the same people who don't read emails from the university are the same people who will forget pencils. One more reason to be happy about graduation...

2007-04-23T18:31:00.000-07:00

After More Delays...

It would appear that the last post i posted was a lie, perhaps hastily written during a fleeting momemt of drunken narcisism. As a future attorney I think this is more than acceptable. My fears about the MPRE proved to be unwarranted, so now it is likely that any selling of used cars in my future will maybe take place somewhere a bit cooler, like Denver. Sorry Ohio.

I think that, in another act of sheer innovation for the world of online rambling, it will be my duty to chronicle my Big Summer Adventure of studying for and taking The Bar. Perhaps this will be therapeutic, perhaps like so many other ideas it will fizzle and flounder, drowining in a sea of booze and wasted time. It isn't my fault that Sportscenter is on practically all day.

Anyway, school ends sooner than I care to think about, and I keep waiting for the motivation to actually open my books. Instead, I am currently staring at a flash card for my Evidence class that asks "What is hearsay?" and I am thinking that yes, Mr. Flashcard, this is a very good question. After almost 4 months of being enrolled in and having the materials for my Evidence class I do not know the answer to this most basic point of Evidence law.

And so it goes. I did, however, take the time to determine exactly how poorly I can do on my exams and still graduate with the honors I somehow managed to acquire back when I gave a shit. The answer: I can do piss-poor and possibly even fulfill my fantasy of randomly filling in answers on a scantron. This does little for my motivation.

2007-02-27T11:50:00.000-08:00

What the?

So, I stopped doing this for a good long while, perhaps because for a good long while there was just nothing interesting to say... but then, it occurred to me that, even if i can't spell, i enjoy writing too much to let a little bit of writer's block stop me from rambling about things....

this is just a warm-up post, but soon, soon things will be happening. Law school is almost done, and man, what a ridiculously odd feeling to be a 3L with very little motivation, responsibility, or interest in the academic side of things. I have a very real concern that the MPRE will be the first in a series of embarrasing failures that ultimately result in me selling used cars somewhere in Ohio.

2006-10-30T11:41:00.000-08:00

Potpourri

In honor of my favorite Jeopardy! category, here are some random thoughts for my loyal readers who no doubt check back daily in the hopes that I will say something profound:

Slash, who is now hawking volkswagens, has lost all rock star credibility. In order to get it back, he needs to take a rock star type car (2002 chevy cavalier), run over some puppies, then take the splattered remains to Taco Bell and have them come up with some nasty new burrito, and then he needs to eat the burrito. Satan.

I had a sandwich from the new law school cafe, Giorgi's, and it is my plan to hate this place, even if their sandwich tasted fine, because it is expensive and they will get my money because everything else near campus is eqaully overpriced, but across the street. My only hope is that this place can somehow replace the annoying coffee cart lady, but i'm sure she's got some union backing her. additionally, this place, Giorgi's, reminds me of Max's on Saved by the Bell.

My 1L team begins their march through the playoffs tonight, but because i broke a finger saving a burning school bus full of babies from terrorists in outer space i cannot play anymore flag football. ever.

Terrell Owens is still a bitch.

2006-10-09T11:35:00.000-07:00

Final Scheduling Dilemmas

One of the first real signs that soon I will have to be an adult again in the real world... I am trying to schedule my final law school semester. Seems easy enough, but it has to fit within the following parameters:

1) No class on Friday.
2) No class before 10:30 or after 12:20.
3) No classes where the possibility of getting called on exists.
4) No seminars. No attendance requirements.
5) Classes that give out prizes for missing the most classes a plus.
6) Classes with a class pet, preferably a gerbil.
7) Classes that allow computers.
8) No classes on the emergence of anything in Eastern Europe.

This leaves me with the following options: "Hugging and the Law" and "Animal Law" (on the off chance that gerbils or albino squirrels are discussed).

2006-10-09T09:14:00.000-07:00

Your table is almost ready...

At Giorgi's Cafe! Oooh la la! Walking past the stairway formerly leading to Subway, a red neon glow caught my eye - after almost 16 months, they have finally managed to hang a neon sign for the alleged cafe that was supposed to open last January.This is an amazing development in law school food options. This place is going to clean up, considering the competition is a vending machine with Tony Roma's rib sandwiches, a coffee cart where the barista calls you "honey" and complains out loud in a forced southern accent whenever you don't tip (I needed those quarters), and the free food lottery that happens randomly every other day when food magically appears on a table, usually because someone thought that students would want to spend their lunch hour listening to human rights scholars espouse the benefits of essentially being unemployed.

This place better have Paninis.

2006-09-26T20:48:00.000-07:00

Sword in the Gatorade

I do not claim to be a strong man. The site of my bicepts does not make a woman swoon. However, I am also not a complete weakling. Yet, my recent frustration with Gatorade brand sports drink has moved me to return to my blog, even in the face of so much law review and clerkship bullshit, and state for the record that Gatorade can suck a dick.

I don't know what sort of creamy-balled roid heads drink this shit, but I've been peeling layers of skin off of my hands trying to get to their delicious Fierce Mountain Rain after an apparently useless workout.

2006-09-08T13:42:00.000-07:00

3L OCI

Attorney From Office in Exotic Location: "So, did you get an offer from the firms you worked for last summer?"

Student with Friends in Exotic Locations: "Oh, yeah, but I really disliked everyone. And they, um, ran over my dog."

Attorney From Office in Exotic Locations: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear about that... Well, I see you worked in Dallas, so what draws you to a Miami firm?"

Student with Friends in Exotic Locations: "Well, I think I might have family in Miami. I saw the movie Scarface - twice - and when Miami beat Dallas in the Finals this year, that pretty much sealed the deal. Oh, and Elian Gonzales, too."

Attorney From Office in Exotic Location: "Well, it says here on your resume that you enjoy Hurricanes, influxes of immigrants from various nations, and Art Deco."

S.W.F.I.E.L.: "My parents raised me to celebrate diversity. I'm also a big believer in ziggurat rooflines and terrazzo floors."

A.F.O.I.E.L.: "Your knowledge of architecture is impressive. What specifically about our Exotic Firm interests you?"

S.W.F.I.E.L.: "I worked in litigation last summer, but what really interests me are hedge funds and corporate work."

A.F.O.I.E.L.: "Well, we don't do corporate work."

S.W.F.I.E.L.: "Did I mention I have family in Miami?"

2006-09-05T21:55:00.000-07:00

The End of an Era...

With the frantic beginning of school, getting liquored up, and several burgeoning hatreds (the Centralized Mail Out, Honorable Judges that require undergraduate transcripts, road humps), I almost forgot to show proper respect to a legendary blawger - BV&W - the patron e-saint of cynical law students. His final post was vintage Wings, reminding us of why we bothered to post comments and debate the merits of Supreme Court nominees on his blog: it's up to us to recognize and celebrate the absurdity and humor of what we do.

Thanks Mike - here's to your movement to eliminate the soulless pricks.

2006-09-04T13:43:00.000-07:00

Godzillatron... Sponsored by Dasani

Aside from the nasty sunburn I received on the left side of my face and neck, the most unfortunate thing about Saturday's shellacking of UNT by the Longhorns would have to be the debut of the highly touted Godzillatron at Memorial Stadium. Spanning over 134 feet wide and 55 feet tall, the potential for the new 'tron was unprecedented in college sports.

Saturday morning rolls around, an electric atmosphere ready to watch the Horns defend their title, and there is the Godzillatron, 60% of it covered in advertisements. Awesome. No information about the players, limited stats, but fuck I could go for some Taco Bell about now. I imagine most people didn't even notice, and I suppose someone has to pay for the thing, but Jesus - when Chuck Norris is talking about an upcoming ultimate fighting event, he deserves the full screen. Chuck Norris, who coincidentally went to my sister's restaurant this weekend, entered through the back door escorted by 4 bodyguards. Chuck Norris needs bodyguards? Weak. The world has gone crazy.

2006-08-22T22:23:00.000-07:00

Back to School...

Well, not quite yet, but soon. Being back in Austin is incredibly nice. Not to hate on Dallas, but I just can't really get into the city. I guess it will be much better when I'm not sleeping on a mattress in the corner of my buddy's living room, but we'll see.

Final year of law school. Dare I purchase a set of golf clubs? Is it odd that golf sounds appealing? I always assumed I'd take it up once I could no longer play soccer or basketball, but once it cools off, it might have to happen. I have to do something when I'm skipping class...

2006-08-14T13:25:00.000-07:00

Exit Interview Translation

Hiring Partner: "So, do you have any questions about the firm?" (Fuck, this fucking sucks. This kid is a douche bag ten times over, and I have 5 of these to do today. Is he not wearing a belt? un-fucking-believable. $2600 a week and he can't afford a belt?)

Aspiring Lawyer: "Um, no. Not really." (Holy fuck, this place is a life-force sucking blackhole of motivation that makes me want to cut myself and eat my fingernails.)

Hiring Partner: "Everyone really liked your work." (You can't spell or compose a coherent thought. We must have mixed up resume piles when making our summer hiring decisions. I'm guessing you were a mistake and your parents have never stopped regretting it.)

Aspiring Lawyer: "Good... I mean, Great. Yeah, it's been a great 6 weeks here. That liquidated damages issue I worked on was really interesting." (I peed in the library, all over the AmJurs, out of spite for the office you gave me; it was also an ironic commentary on that shit you people call coffee.)

Hiring Partner: "So do you feel like you got a good sense of what life is like here at the firm?" (We are conservative neo-Nazis, bent on destroying your family. Our attempt at being "nice" over the summer only exacerbates the hatred raging inside, and when the Summer program is over we feast on the gooey insides of two of our less productive associates.)

Aspiring Lawyer: "Definitely. Everyone has been really open and easy to talk to - I've had all my questions answered." (Am I a petty, unprofessional ingrate for feeling this way? I better get my last paycheck today. The mail is so slow.)

Hiring Partner: "You should hear back from us in a few weeks." (After we check your internet history and analyze the loose hairs we found on your floor.)

(Handshakes and smiles all around.)

2006-08-10T11:53:00.000-07:00

The Pinnacle of Awesomeness

The new crop of the The Texas Law Review was announced today. Congratulations to the winners - there is really no other way to say it—you are incredibly awesome and now everyone knows it. Just to be sure, though, it doesn’t hurt to mention how awesome you are, in case someone has been living in a cave and didn’t hear the big announcement about the crowning of the new intellectual ubermencsh, the crème de la crème, the new members of Volume 85. Just remember, it isn't all sexy parties and talking about obscure legal theories with self-obsessed people who have multiple intials in their name. Being on the Texas Law Review is an incredible responsibility.

People will treat you differently now. Like when a young woman blossoms into a lady, law firms will start to take notice of you. Oh, and the parties they will throw. Imported beers, meats on a stick, and shiny brochures full of information about why you should waste 5-7 years of your life helping big corporations fight over money. Your fellow students will also treat you differently. Some will be haters, but they only hate themselves for not being as awesome as you. Some will cling to you for just the chance to get an outline or a free breakfast taco.

To sum up, you are awesome. You will devote a good deal of time to TLR the next two years, and while the common people spend their free time out at the lake slamming beers, fornicating, and racing jet skis, your awesomeness will be your solace. As the cheers rise up from Darrell K. Royal Memorial Stadium during a Saturday afternoon cite-check, just imagine the fans are cheering for you—the quarterback of legal scholarship. After all, you just found two incorrectly italicized periods. Welcome to the Law Review—it’s totally awesome.

2006-08-09T11:57:00.000-07:00

What doesn't he do?

Maybe I’ve been going about my career the wrong way. This guy seems to have the right idea. From the smooth jazz intro to the "store" selling calendars for $10, what lady wouldn’t want to hire him? He’s certainly modest enough, and his poetry really speaks to me.

I can't believe this guy went to UT Law.

2006-08-07T11:49:00.000-07:00

Clap Louder... They Just Might Hear You

A recent development in the gradual decline of Western civilization concerns clapping in the movie theatre. I recently saw Talledaga Nights, and at the conclusion of the movie several members of the audience decided to clap (some while standing up) during the credits. Other people have confirmed the clapping phenomenon, and as far as we can tell, no one is there from the movie to hear the applause. I was raised to understand that one claps to show their appreciation to someone for doing something when they are in the room.

This is a truly baffling trend. I guess it does kind of seem like Will Farrell is there in the room, because he is on the screen, and maybe I just don't understand how movies work. Maybe there is a small microphone or something that detects applause and somehow transmits it to the actors' voicemail. Or maybe people are just dumb as shit. My choice of movie might have something to do with the applause, but the clapping has occured in more cerebral works, such as Million Dollar Baby and Capote. I can't really come up with a satisfactory explanation. Until then, I am forced to cross my fingers as the credits begin to roll.

2006-08-07T11:34:00.000-07:00

Groundbreaking Research

A recent study shows that "sexy music triggers teen sex." This is the lamest study I've ever heard of. Will people blame music for anything? How about a study that shows that crappy parents who don't keep track of/talk to their their children are more likely to be grandparents at age 38? Let's leave Ludacris and Too Short out of this. The best quote in the piece comes from an unidentified adolescent, explaining she just likes the beat: "I won't really realize that the person is talking about having sex or raping a girl." See - it's about the music.

2006-07-28T12:42:00.000-07:00

Summer Recruiting Tips for Big Law Firms

This is getting ridiculous. It doesn't take long to realize how absurd summer associate life really is. Everyone looking for BigLaw jobs goes through this right of passage, and here with just a few weeks left, I am overwhelmed with a childish sense of entitlement. I am totally helpless. I can't even buy a cup of coffee without wishing my benevolent benefactor were there to swoop in with the corporate card to take the $2.00 hit. For any up and coming law firms curious how to run a successful summer program, here are some tips:

1) Don't fuck with our coffee - while Maxwell House technically does have caffeine in it, it's like one of those pharmaceuticals where the side effects are worse than the benefits.

2) Stay out of our offices - so i can type this, nap, play Risk on my conference table, and read about Snakes on a Plane.

3) Let us access our email - studies show that when someone wants to waste time, they're going to waste time. My productivity will continue at its current level whether or not I can check my email. Don't feed me some line about how debilitating red worm viruses are attacking the network because I got an email about penis enlargement in my hotmail account.

4) A "first-half only" program makes sense - after surveying fellow clerks at my second-half firm, it is easy to spot the ones who already have offers from their first-half firms. they generally sit in their offices on the phone with other summer clerks who have offers, figuring out how much money they're making whilst talking on the phone about how damn nice it feels to have a job. work is an afterthought. some of them stop grooming or wearing belts to work.

5) Don't send us to lunch with awkward people - you know who they are. If this is some twisted, budget-conscious plan to keep us from ordering dessert, then I tip my hat to you. However, if forced I will call your bluff and order dessert to go.

2006-07-26T11:22:00.000-07:00

The Congeal

I ate lunch at Luby's today. The Firm decided to cast off the traditional power lunch and send a subtle message to myself and a fellow clerk that there will be no offer at the end of the summer rainbow.

Luby's gets a lot of bad press, what with the massacres and overcooked green beans, but I'll give them credit for being honest with their customers. If you go to Luby's and order a Congealed, Pineapple-infused, Green Jell-o Brick, your receipt will not hide this fact. It will simply state "1 Congeal ........ $.89." Man, when they put it that way, I think I'll have another. That's damn fine congeal.

2006-07-24T13:26:00.000-07:00

Jeans Days Rule

When a group of lawyers gets a jeans day, look out. For those of you unfamiliar with a "jeans day," it is just like any other day at the office, except all the attorneys and staff are sporting their coolest jeans (and maybe even white socks). Jeans days are rationed out fairly sparingly (usually on a Friday), making them extra special. When you have jeans on, it doesn't really look like you're working. You could just be on your way to grab a brewski with some friends, or maybe heading down the ballpark for a double-header.

Is there anything more liberating than wearing jeans to the office? How naughty and rebellious it feels to thumb our collective noses at corporate America by casting off slacks and khakis. I salute you, jeans day.

2006-07-18T12:57:00.000-07:00

MORE MOVIE TALK

You know what is really starting to piss me off - 9/11 movies. First they give us United 93 - only 5 years after the tragedy, and now Oliver Stone's World Trade Center is on the way (starring Nicholas Cage).

I hope this doesn't come off as being unpatriotic, and while I understand the power of movies to bring people together, etc., this is nothing that anyone should be making a profit off of.

2006-07-14T13:00:00.000-07:00

Great Investment Idea

"Sophisticated Urban Living" is popping up everywhere I look in Dallas. Condo’s from the $300’s on every corner. Can’t imagine that every single one of these condos is going to succeed. Or maybe I’ve underestimated the amount of pretentious yuppie douchebaggery running rampant in this city.

2006-06-25T20:47:00.000-07:00

SUMMER MOVIE TALK!

Let's begin with Clerks II. Man, these guys must have gone broke faster than Mike Tyson. Does anyone really want to see this movie? In color? Will Silent Bob finally talk? Who gives a shit.

Snakes on a Plane. Wow. This movie gives everyone hope that they, too, can be a writer of movie scripts. If I asked my four-year-old niece to think up a movie script, gave her some crayons, and waited three hours, she could have at least given me the storyboards for this one. I'll see you there opening night, though, because that shit looks awesome.

And don't forget Little Man... this could rival Weekend at Bernie's II or anything involving Paulie Shore for worst movie of all time.

On the other hand, I saw the preview for Transformers, and I don't care that Hollywood is selling my childhood back to me. That shit is going to rule.

2006-06-21T21:43:00.000-07:00

in Dallas. still. for about two more months. Dallas is an interesting city, unique among other big cities i've experienced. Most large cities, if you stick around for a few weeks, start to make an impression on you. i'm living downtown, and from the roof of the buidling i'm living in, it becomes apparent how unnatural Dallas actually is - or, i guess it becomes clear how much of the city is built on business. such a flat piece of land, the downtown just seems to have been picked up and moved here like a mobile home.

law firm summer associate life continues, with many around town working harder than they anticipated. perhaps law firms finally found the right amount of money to offer law students over the summer so that they completely lose focus on other parts of their lives.

the U.S. was eliminated from the World Cup today - in large part due to their complete lack of composure, and also due to what might have been the most ridiculous penalty kick call i've ever seen. but, wait, no one cares about soccer. in 4 years i hope to be in South Africa, and I hope our national team is slightly more competitive.

2006-06-21T19:55:00.000-07:00

Mark Cuban Sucks

If only Mark Cuban had broken down and sobbed - that would have really capped off what must have been one of the biggest chokes in NBA Finals history. As much respect as I gained for Dirk in the Spurs series, I lost it all as he hoisted unnecessary 3's and let the Heat take their first title. I can't believe any team associated with Antoine Walker won a title. I'm not even upset that Shaq won another title. 'Zo and GP got their ring, and rumor has it Stockton and Malone are coming out of retirement to join the Heat.

So, Dallas will have to spend another year trying to erase their perimeter tendencies, making Devin Harris comfortable when matchups require his aggression, and getting used to the fact that some teams (the Cubs come to mind) just can't get over the hump.

2006-06-14T21:21:00.000-07:00

i'm really leaning towards making this a sports blog. i didn't think it would end up being something so unoriginal, but perhaps this is a sign of more unoriginality to come. it's hard not to write about sports when the world cup comes around. for the first time in my life i bought a replica jersey to wear to bars to support our team. and they reward the country's expectations with such a miserable performance. soccer fans understand how embarrassing that game was - moreso than all of Italy 1990 and France '98...

off to DC tomorrow for some fun lawfirm summer extravaganzaness. we get to meet nina totenberg. this is a big deal. for nerds like myself.

2006-06-09T08:59:00.000-07:00

Being in Dallas right now, as a Spurs fan, is less than fun. Watching the camera flash to Mark Cuban's zombie-eyed stare and Wal-Mart jeans after Dirk drains a ridiculous three makes me sick. I never thought I'd be a Shaq fan, but I have to root against the Mavs... One bit of solace, however, was the interview with Terrell Owens at the half. He was sitting there in a Heat jersey, with a Mavs hat on, talking about how he doesn't care who wins the series. Way to win over the hometown fans. This guy is a cancer upon any team he's on, like a beautiful woman infected with some nasty VD. You take them home, then wake up in horror a week later... the burning.

Should be a fun year to watch the Cowboys self-destruct.

2006-06-06T19:39:00.000-07:00

... the beginning

and so if you are reading this you have time to waste. and that is why i'm writing this, as well. i am somewhat fascinated by the idea of a blog, though i'm behind the curve. i guess i have to develop a theme. find a niche. i considered creating a blog about my cat. it surely would have been the most incredible blog about a cat in the world. but there are a surprising amount of blogs about cats. i think to myself "i can do better" - possibly make up a new animal. but then i got distracted.