Summer Recruiting Tips for Big Law Firms

This is getting ridiculous. It doesn't take long to realize how absurd summer associate life really is. Everyone looking for BigLaw jobs goes through this right of passage, and here with just a few weeks left, I am overwhelmed with a childish sense of entitlement. I am totally helpless. I can't even buy a cup of coffee without wishing my benevolent benefactor were there to swoop in with the corporate card to take the $2.00 hit. For any up and coming law firms curious how to run a successful summer program, here are some tips:

1) Don't fuck with our coffee - while Maxwell House technically does have caffeine in it, it's like one of those pharmaceuticals where the side effects are worse than the benefits.

2) Stay out of our offices - so i can type this, nap, play Risk on my conference table, and read about Snakes on a Plane.

3) Let us access our email - studies show that when someone wants to waste time, they're going to waste time. My productivity will continue at its current level whether or not I can check my email. Don't feed me some line about how debilitating red worm viruses are attacking the network because I got an email about penis enlargement in my hotmail account.

4) A "first-half only" program makes sense - after surveying fellow clerks at my second-half firm, it is easy to spot the ones who already have offers from their first-half firms. they generally sit in their offices on the phone with other summer clerks who have offers, figuring out how much money they're making whilst talking on the phone about how damn nice it feels to have a job. work is an afterthought. some of them stop grooming or wearing belts to work.

5) Don't send us to lunch with awkward people - you know who they are. If this is some twisted, budget-conscious plan to keep us from ordering dessert, then I tip my hat to you. However, if forced I will call your bluff and order dessert to go.