Exit Interview Translation

Hiring Partner: "So, do you have any questions about the firm?" (Fuck, this fucking sucks. This kid is a douche bag ten times over, and I have 5 of these to do today. Is he not wearing a belt? un-fucking-believable. $2600 a week and he can't afford a belt?)

Aspiring Lawyer: "Um, no. Not really." (Holy fuck, this place is a life-force sucking blackhole of motivation that makes me want to cut myself and eat my fingernails.)

Hiring Partner: "Everyone really liked your work." (You can't spell or compose a coherent thought. We must have mixed up resume piles when making our summer hiring decisions. I'm guessing you were a mistake and your parents have never stopped regretting it.)

Aspiring Lawyer: "Good... I mean, Great. Yeah, it's been a great 6 weeks here. That liquidated damages issue I worked on was really interesting." (I peed in the library, all over the AmJurs, out of spite for the office you gave me; it was also an ironic commentary on that shit you people call coffee.)

Hiring Partner: "So do you feel like you got a good sense of what life is like here at the firm?" (We are conservative neo-Nazis, bent on destroying your family. Our attempt at being "nice" over the summer only exacerbates the hatred raging inside, and when the Summer program is over we feast on the gooey insides of two of our less productive associates.)

Aspiring Lawyer: "Definitely. Everyone has been really open and easy to talk to - I've had all my questions answered." (Am I a petty, unprofessional ingrate for feeling this way? I better get my last paycheck today. The mail is so slow.)

Hiring Partner: "You should hear back from us in a few weeks." (After we check your internet history and analyze the loose hairs we found on your floor.)

(Handshakes and smiles all around.)