Yay! The Oscars!!!!

Was I not at your Oscar party? Were you sad? Well, don't worry, since my wife is going to make me watch this I might as well sit here and give you my smart-ass remarks, in case you're feeling a void in your life.

I miss this year's Golden Globes. A press conference? Only one hour? That's the way to do it... Anyway, this year's Oscars will be a bit shorter thanks to the DVR. But still, it drags. And the song performances ... ugh. They should cut those down, maybe do all 5 at once, and the viewer can just pick the one they like, because no one has seen any of these movies.

John Stewart - that's so much better than Robin Williams or Ellen. He got in a Norbit joke - and those are always solid. Political jokes ... meh.

Transformers got screwed hard in special effects. It got beat by some polar bear movie. Recount?

Owen Wilson? Didn't you just try and kill yourself? What are you doing here? Go get some help. But first, tell me about the animated short film nominees.

The mom from American Gangster is up for an Oscar? She was on screen for like 5 minutes.

Atonement? I'm glad I missed that one... the little British girl looks and sounds creepy.

Michael Clayton. Lawyer jokes. Still haven't seen it thanks to the usual Netflix backlog. Effing Netflix. But that supporting actress lady - she's paler than I am and her dress is like some kind of velvet trashbag.

Just ate some KFC boneless snacker wings. As good as advertised.

The Scientific and Technical Awards always suck even in their truncated format. I can't imagine actually going and sitting through the entire show. Even with Jessica Alba hosting.

The Coen Brothers. Odd felows. But NCFOM better win it all.

Two Songs from Enchanted? This second calypso numbed with the Wicked chick really makes me want to ... overdose on KFC boneless snacker wings.

The Transformers Conspiracy continues with the sound editing snub. Wait, there's also a "sound mixing" category? It's the same movies people. Can't they just have an "awesomest sound" category and move it along? Transformers now 0 for 3. Screw you Matt Damon.

Every year, they should give an award to Will Ferrell for playing the same role over and over.

That French actress is hot. Not hot enough to make me see her Edith Piaf movie, but she gave a good speech. Always seems like the best speeches are from those who don't speak English as their first language.

My wife informs me the Once co-stars are actually dating in real life. Awwwww. That must be the reason this song is so achingly beautiful (tears welling up). It could be the snacker wing sauce, though. Not sure.

Hey, surprise, it's Jack Nicholson. And all 79 best pictures. One of them was called Cinnamon? More filler that makes me long for the writer's strike to return.

Ahh! It's Rene Zelewiger. I can't spell her name and she is frightening! She's bulked up.

I just lost a bet with my wife - whether that 800 year old art production guy was going to be wheeled out or "escorted" out by some hot dames. I went with the wheelchair. This guy is surprisingly with it for his age. Now he's drifting off like an old coot.

Ahh, Penelope Cruz. When you talk, you inspire me to become a stalker.

Damn. Another Enchanted song. I should have written a song this year for a movie. I could have written one for There Will Be Blood – about drinking your milkshake. Drinking it up.

Glad the Frames guy won. Oh, good, they brought back the Frames guy's girl to give an uplifting speech.

Ah, the Parade of Dead Actors. Or, the time where I go "oh, I thought he/she died already?" and "who is that old person?" I guess in like 30 or 40 years this will be even more depressing when it's Brad Pitt and Gary Coleman.

Sweet. Diablo Cody won. Now strippers everywhere are going to be churning out the scripts.

Best Actor. D Day-Lewis is going to win, but Mortensen - he was a badass in Eastern Promises. Oh, and D Day-Lewis makes a subtle hint that he wants to be knighted.

Getting tired.... Benadryll works people. Sweet. It's over. No Country wins - deservedly so.