(insert sound of liver squealing)

My brain is finally able to do what it was intended to do--filing away useless sports information and waiting for football season. I have been unable to properly report on things to this point, but this is my last "bar" post... thankfully.

That test was awful. I don’t know why I thought that exam might be a bit easier than it was, but it was definitely a humbling experience. As far as the actual test goes-- me vs. the test-- I was destroyed. I guess the curve is really really helpful, or else there will be trouble in November. For future generations of bar applicants, I can offer this recap of the festivities:

I typed the exam, which means, because my typewriter was broken, I used my computer. I took the exam at the Palmer events center. The chairs are comfy relative to the Crockett Center, and the room is a nice subdued shade of gray. It felt sort of like the Rothko Chapel in Houston, except full of plastic tables and crazed idiots. One lady even wore a "SARS" mask for some reason. I went "earplugs" for my first exam ever, and aside from the fact that I had to listen to the breathing inside of my head, it was a good move.

I arrived early at the Palmer because for some reason there is one parking garage, with one exit, and if you don't get there early you end up parking deep in the recesses of the garage and have to sleep there at night with the hobos. People sit in their cars, studying, and their cars run to keep the A/C going and the carbon monoxide probably counterbalances whatever knowledge is being absorbed.

Bonus - the Palmer is 50 yards from a Whataburger. Food at my house consists of American cheese slices, Vitamin Water, and a banana that has seen better days. Once again, I owe Whataburger for saving my ass. Taquitos contain an egg-related substance that really does the job.

By 7:20am I am staring at flashcards because basically I am just a highly-caffeinated robot, retaining nothing but unable to stop myself. If there is a stack of flashcards I must get through it; this puts me at ease for some reason.

The exam instructions begin at 8:00am. The guy reading the instructions is all kinds of awful. He speaks so slowly that you want to shout out the instructions for him, and I mumble sarcastically to myself, no doubt irritating the person next to me.

The essay exam begins. The questions are full of people with stupid names doing stupid things. Some people started a meat-processing business. Some other guy left a guy named Herbert $500,000 in his will, but then decided that he didn't want to leave Herbert $500,000. Fickle jerks and careless people screwing each other over, and me with my laptop, a blank screen, and three hours to make up laws and answer six questions.

10:20 am, and I check the available fonts on the exam software, only to find that they have included “Wingdings." This amuses me to no end and I imagine how awesome it would be to fail the exam with 100% Wingding responses. This occupies my mind for far too long and at some point I settle with using emoticons to indicate when I am bullshitting. Example: "Under Texas Law ;0 ;0, a court could find that this guy is a jerk ..." I hope they have a sense of humor.

Laws were created, decisions were made, mistakes were made. It was hard to fight back the feeling of elation of being done with the need to write and write some more. It's over now, and normal life can resume. Congrats to everyone...