Finally, I can sleep at night.

During my daily foray onto the internets, I make frequent inquiries on the status of my fantasy football team. There are many aspects to a team that can be tweaked and adjusted, and in order to do this I have to start at the Yahoo! homepage, which features several headline news stories. I am frequently baffled by the "featured" headlines, but the one I saw today takes the cake: "The Science of Knots Unraveled."

Really? You mean, there are real scientists working on this? No shit? Apparently, two physicists from the research Mecca that is the University of California, San Diego, decided that this mystery needed to be solved. San Diego, huh?

The physicists used "string-tumbling experiments and mathematical models ... and determined which factors cause the knottiest knots." Fuckin' A, that's some radically useful science. Knots everywhere - be on notice. Your days are numbered.

I'll admit that knots can be irritating. I can admit to yelling at my fair share of knots, pumping my fists in a rage. However, I don't see how understanding the way a knot forms is going to stop them from forming. People who give a shit wrap their cords up, rubberband-style. That's how I roll. People who don't care are doomed to a meaningless existence full of heartbreak, despair, and countless hours spent unraveling extension cords.

We can only hope these scientific heroes go on to conquer the deeper, darker mysteries of science, such as why Arby's is so disgusting, or maybe why babies have such freakishly large heads.