Things that Frighten Me.

Like most Americans, I live my life in fear. Fear of terrorists, fear of a recession, fear of the environmental apocalypse. But beyond these vague, uncontrollable forces, there are the day-to-day things that I can avoid and that need to be stopped. Listing them is the first step to conquering them.


1) Family Restrooms. I don't know what goes on in these things but I'd like to go on the record and say that I am terrified of them. I imagine one large toilet and the type of family that wants to go to the restroom together, possibly while holding hands and singing.


2) Tomatoes. They attack and kill in the movies, and now they deliver salmonella. And what are they? Fruit? Vegetables? I can't keep it straight.


3) Tila Tequila. I recognize that as I grow older (though at 28 I am still in my mid-late-twenties, for at least another 3.5 weeks!), there will be a gradual disconnect between popular culture and things that I "get." I will slowly lose my ability to say anything remotely cool as the next generation makes movies I can't relate to, music I can't stand, and art that exemplifies angst in 2030. That's all well and good, but if we're already so culturally bankrupt that THIS is something people watch, well, I'm a lot older than I thought. Anything that makes Flavor of Love look sophisticated is deeply concerning.

4) 2-Year Law Schools. What's the big hurry here Northwestern?? The third year of law school is important, though not necessarily from an academic standpoint. You can choose to take a clinic, or other electives, or study abroad, or..... Travel somewhere, watch the Price is Right and play golf. If you cram 3 years into 2 years, it won't necessarily create more attorneys, just more bad attorneys.


5) Eddie Murphy. What is wrong with him? Seriously. Delirious and Raw are two of the funniest things I have ever seen. His brain needs to be studied to prevent future generations of comics from selling out so hard that screenwriters make bets over who can make a movie so shittastically awful that he won't star in it and ask for a sequel. It's sad that he is so irritating that the only way he can be in a movie is if he plays all of the characters or acts opposite CGI animals.