Back to School...

Well, not quite yet, but soon. Being back in Austin is incredibly nice. Not to hate on Dallas, but I just can't really get into the city. I guess it will be much better when I'm not sleeping on a mattress in the corner of my buddy's living room, but we'll see.

Final year of law school. Dare I purchase a set of golf clubs? Is it odd that golf sounds appealing? I always assumed I'd take it up once I could no longer play soccer or basketball, but once it cools off, it might have to happen. I have to do something when I'm skipping class...

Exit Interview Translation

Hiring Partner: "So, do you have any questions about the firm?" (Fuck, this fucking sucks. This kid is a douche bag ten times over, and I have 5 of these to do today. Is he not wearing a belt? un-fucking-believable. $2600 a week and he can't afford a belt?)

Aspiring Lawyer: "Um, no. Not really." (Holy fuck, this place is a life-force sucking blackhole of motivation that makes me want to cut myself and eat my fingernails.)

Hiring Partner: "Everyone really liked your work." (You can't spell or compose a coherent thought. We must have mixed up resume piles when making our summer hiring decisions. I'm guessing you were a mistake and your parents have never stopped regretting it.)

Aspiring Lawyer: "Good... I mean, Great. Yeah, it's been a great 6 weeks here. That liquidated damages issue I worked on was really interesting." (I peed in the library, all over the AmJurs, out of spite for the office you gave me; it was also an ironic commentary on that shit you people call coffee.)

Hiring Partner: "So do you feel like you got a good sense of what life is like here at the firm?" (We are conservative neo-Nazis, bent on destroying your family. Our attempt at being "nice" over the summer only exacerbates the hatred raging inside, and when the Summer program is over we feast on the gooey insides of two of our less productive associates.)

Aspiring Lawyer: "Definitely. Everyone has been really open and easy to talk to - I've had all my questions answered." (Am I a petty, unprofessional ingrate for feeling this way? I better get my last paycheck today. The mail is so slow.)

Hiring Partner: "You should hear back from us in a few weeks." (After we check your internet history and analyze the loose hairs we found on your floor.)

(Handshakes and smiles all around.)

The Pinnacle of Awesomeness

The new crop of the The Texas Law Review was announced today. Congratulations to the winners - there is really no other way to say it—you are incredibly awesome and now everyone knows it. Just to be sure, though, it doesn’t hurt to mention how awesome you are, in case someone has been living in a cave and didn’t hear the big announcement about the crowning of the new intellectual ubermencsh, the crème de la crème, the new members of Volume 85. Just remember, it isn't all sexy parties and talking about obscure legal theories with self-obsessed people who have multiple intials in their name. Being on the Texas Law Review is an incredible responsibility.

People will treat you differently now. Like when a young woman blossoms into a lady, law firms will start to take notice of you. Oh, and the parties they will throw. Imported beers, meats on a stick, and shiny brochures full of information about why you should waste 5-7 years of your life helping big corporations fight over money. Your fellow students will also treat you differently. Some will be haters, but they only hate themselves for not being as awesome as you. Some will cling to you for just the chance to get an outline or a free breakfast taco.

To sum up, you are awesome. You will devote a good deal of time to TLR the next two years, and while the common people spend their free time out at the lake slamming beers, fornicating, and racing jet skis, your awesomeness will be your solace. As the cheers rise up from Darrell K. Royal Memorial Stadium during a Saturday afternoon cite-check, just imagine the fans are cheering for you—the quarterback of legal scholarship. After all, you just found two incorrectly italicized periods. Welcome to the Law Review—it’s totally awesome.

What doesn't he do?

Maybe I’ve been going about my career the wrong way. This guy seems to have the right idea. From the smooth jazz intro to the "store" selling calendars for $10, what lady wouldn’t want to hire him? He’s certainly modest enough, and his poetry really speaks to me.

I can't believe this guy went to UT Law.

Clap Louder... They Just Might Hear You

A recent development in the gradual decline of Western civilization concerns clapping in the movie theatre. I recently saw Talledaga Nights, and at the conclusion of the movie several members of the audience decided to clap (some while standing up) during the credits. Other people have confirmed the clapping phenomenon, and as far as we can tell, no one is there from the movie to hear the applause. I was raised to understand that one claps to show their appreciation to someone for doing something when they are in the room.

This is a truly baffling trend. I guess it does kind of seem like Will Farrell is there in the room, because he is on the screen, and maybe I just don't understand how movies work. Maybe there is a small microphone or something that detects applause and somehow transmits it to the actors' voicemail. Or maybe people are just dumb as shit. My choice of movie might have something to do with the applause, but the clapping has occured in more cerebral works, such as Million Dollar Baby and Capote. I can't really come up with a satisfactory explanation. Until then, I am forced to cross my fingers as the credits begin to roll.

Groundbreaking Research

A recent study shows that "sexy music triggers teen sex." This is the lamest study I've ever heard of. Will people blame music for anything? How about a study that shows that crappy parents who don't keep track of/talk to their their children are more likely to be grandparents at age 38? Let's leave Ludacris and Too Short out of this. The best quote in the piece comes from an unidentified adolescent, explaining she just likes the beat: "I won't really realize that the person is talking about having sex or raping a girl." See - it's about the music.