Summer Recruiting Tips for Big Law Firms

This is getting ridiculous. It doesn't take long to realize how absurd summer associate life really is. Everyone looking for BigLaw jobs goes through this right of passage, and here with just a few weeks left, I am overwhelmed with a childish sense of entitlement. I am totally helpless. I can't even buy a cup of coffee without wishing my benevolent benefactor were there to swoop in with the corporate card to take the $2.00 hit. For any up and coming law firms curious how to run a successful summer program, here are some tips:

1) Don't fuck with our coffee - while Maxwell House technically does have caffeine in it, it's like one of those pharmaceuticals where the side effects are worse than the benefits.

2) Stay out of our offices - so i can type this, nap, play Risk on my conference table, and read about Snakes on a Plane.

3) Let us access our email - studies show that when someone wants to waste time, they're going to waste time. My productivity will continue at its current level whether or not I can check my email. Don't feed me some line about how debilitating red worm viruses are attacking the network because I got an email about penis enlargement in my hotmail account.

4) A "first-half only" program makes sense - after surveying fellow clerks at my second-half firm, it is easy to spot the ones who already have offers from their first-half firms. they generally sit in their offices on the phone with other summer clerks who have offers, figuring out how much money they're making whilst talking on the phone about how damn nice it feels to have a job. work is an afterthought. some of them stop grooming or wearing belts to work.

5) Don't send us to lunch with awkward people - you know who they are. If this is some twisted, budget-conscious plan to keep us from ordering dessert, then I tip my hat to you. However, if forced I will call your bluff and order dessert to go.

The Congeal

I ate lunch at Luby's today. The Firm decided to cast off the traditional power lunch and send a subtle message to myself and a fellow clerk that there will be no offer at the end of the summer rainbow.

Luby's gets a lot of bad press, what with the massacres and overcooked green beans, but I'll give them credit for being honest with their customers. If you go to Luby's and order a Congealed, Pineapple-infused, Green Jell-o Brick, your receipt will not hide this fact. It will simply state "1 Congeal ........ $.89." Man, when they put it that way, I think I'll have another. That's damn fine congeal.

Jeans Days Rule

When a group of lawyers gets a jeans day, look out. For those of you unfamiliar with a "jeans day," it is just like any other day at the office, except all the attorneys and staff are sporting their coolest jeans (and maybe even white socks). Jeans days are rationed out fairly sparingly (usually on a Friday), making them extra special. When you have jeans on, it doesn't really look like you're working. You could just be on your way to grab a brewski with some friends, or maybe heading down the ballpark for a double-header.

Is there anything more liberating than wearing jeans to the office? How naughty and rebellious it feels to thumb our collective noses at corporate America by casting off slacks and khakis. I salute you, jeans day.

MORE MOVIE TALK

You know what is really starting to piss me off - 9/11 movies. First they give us United 93 - only 5 years after the tragedy, and now Oliver Stone's World Trade Center is on the way (starring Nicholas Cage).

I hope this doesn't come off as being unpatriotic, and while I understand the power of movies to bring people together, etc., this is nothing that anyone should be making a profit off of.

Great Investment Idea

"Sophisticated Urban Living" is popping up everywhere I look in Dallas. Condo’s from the $300’s on every corner. Can’t imagine that every single one of these condos is going to succeed. Or maybe I’ve underestimated the amount of pretentious yuppie douchebaggery running rampant in this city.