This was mildly cathartic, and perhaps it would have been more enjoyable if the book had fought back.

Things to do in Bar Lecture When You're Dead

It’s been odd sitting in bar class for the past month or so without the amusement usually derived from looking at other people’s computer screens. Throughout law school I was lucky enough to spy on one dude trying to hook up with a fat, married chick, countless YouTube videos, and the constant AIM shit- talking that law students are so adept at. Now, when my mind needs wander, I have been forced to amuse myself with a more traditional sort of entertainment: staring at people. I can...

1) Watch the chick with the fake tits and incredibly curly hair get up and walk around for no reason whatsoever. She throws away trash, gets Dr. Peppers, stands up, pees 4 times an hour, and does countless other things one could do during the break, possibly because her fake tits command her to do so.

2) Stare at the annoying couple lovingly caress each other’s back whilst trying to hold back projectile vomit.

3) Glare at the dude sitting next to me who has the following note-taking accessories at his disposal: 3 highlighters (blue, yellow, green), 2 pens (one black, one red), one bottle of water, one mug of coffee, one cell phone, a watch, his barbri badge, the newspaper, and a pack of gum. Kind of like the bus in the movie Speed, this guy will explode if he isn’t constantly picking up, setting down, or eating one or more of the above items at any given moment, all while shaking the table violently with “happy leg” disorder.

4) Watch the bird trapped in the warehouse fly into things, hoping it will shit on any of the aforementioned people.

Whatchutalkingabout Usury Laws?

I am seriously about to be getting serious about some bar studying. I know this because I am planning out a strategy for tabbing and generally pimping out all my barbri books. It’s going to be amazing. I’m thinking multi colored tabs, maybe some duct tape for extra-strength reinforcement, and of course aluminum foil to protect them from harmful radiation.

Studying, however, is still approximately a week away. In the mean time there have been quite a few things happening on the TV. Gary Coleman is doing his part to make people’s lives easier. I recently spotted him in a commercial pimping some payday loan company. I have never really paid attention to any of these commercials, but holy shit the fine print is amazing.

Gary Coleman, sage financial adviser, is using his adorable face to offer people loans with a 99.25% APR. My first thought was, well, anyone who takes financial advice from Gary Coleman deserves what they get, even if that means a loan of $2600 costs them about $9000. My second thought was, why isn’t this a violation of whatever law protects stupid people from Gary Coleman’s adorable face.

Before I could have a third thought I became extremely excited by the commercial for the Ghost Rider DVD. Apparently, the DVD is packed with additional unseen footage—which I imagine is the entire movie, but that’s just a guess..

One More Week

Sunday evening at the coffee shop and I spy another person actually studying for the bar, their brow furrowed as they thumb through pages, making important notations in the margins. We’re still something like 37 days away, and this guy looks like he’s in the middle of finals during 1L year. Earplugs littered across the table, a large, almost comically huge cup of coffee, and the early stages of a beard.

This guy is irritating as shit. His computer isn’t even open, so he can’t be doing what I imagine he should be doing, which is going to www.eagerdouchebag.com to upload pictures of himself. I have my book out, though, unopened, and I’m happy to report that the book is amassing a decent amount of wear-and-tear just through being carted around from place to place. I think I need one more week of filling in blanks before the real work begins.

In another alarming turn of events, golf has become interesting. I blame the bar for this, as only the most extreme obstacles in life could summon such procrastination tactics. Golf, when you’re as awful as I am, can take several hours, and watching golf can occupy the rest of the day. And, since you’re outside, it can kind of count as exercise. And, since beer is involved, it can kind of be awesome. I might even need to get some lessons. And I should probably watch the extended director's cut of The Legend of Bagger Vance.

Brooms

Thank goodness Cleveland didn’t pull out any wins. What an awful series of basketball. My favorite moment from Game 4 was when backup point guard Eric Snow was trying to motivate his team during a timeout, yelling hollow clichés at them about adversity and rising up, while no one was listening to him. Snow is basically a washed up player, useful only because he has been fortunate enough to be on teams that made it to the Finals before. While he yelled, Lebron sat there, furiously biting his nails, probably thinking about his newborn’s initials (his name is Bryce Maximus), and other players seemed to be watching the on-court entertainment. The series was over before it began, and only Snow seemed to think otherwise.

It’s great to see Finley get a title, and it’s great to see the Spurs be rewarded for their dominating defense. But, as a fan of the game, the league needs to figure out how to get a decent match-up for the Finals. The two most difficult series for the Spurs were the first two teams they faced: Denver and Phoenix. Barring injury, the 4th title seemed inevitable, which is why I am relieved it is over.

Go Cavs?

Not that I’m really pulling for the Cavaliers in Game 4, but as much as it pains me to say it, I can see an upside to a Game 5. I told myself that once the NBA Finals are over, then, and only then, will I start to approach studying for the bar with a degree of seriousness.

Up to this point, I have been to every class—an improvement over my recent academic attendance record, and I have occasionally taken my books to a coffee house and stared at them whilst watching amazing videos on Youtube. But the serious, down and dirty memorization, well, we’re still around 40 days away. Seems too soon.

But I hear stories of other people studying, making flashcards, ruining what little chance of a summer they have, and this concerns me. I comfort myself with the knowledge that several attorneys I know passed the bar, presumably on their first try, and some of these attorneys, well, let us just say that they are far from what one would consider “academic.”

Well, if the sweep goes down like I imagine it will, I can at least wait until the U.S. Open is over… it’s amazing how any and all sports start to become interesting when the alternative is memorizing the Texas pretermitted child statute.

Rubbing it in.

This morning all of the students were greeted with the announcement that "new, metal folding chairs" were now available, in case the older, plastic chairs currently in use were not satisfactory. We were instructed not to rush over and get one, so as to not cause a mob of students eager to trade in one form of Chinese torture for an even more uncomfortable, spine-morphing sort of chair. Perhaps this was in response to the student who fell on his ass when one of the older plastic chairs exploded in the middle of lecture.

The Good Folks at Chipotle...

So, for tomorrow's Hunger Awareness Day, the fine people at Chipotle burrito places across Austin are running a promotion, tomorrow only, where you get a free burrito for bringing in one canned good, benefitting the local food bank... While their heart is in the right place, wouldn't it make better sense just to give people a burrito??? Last time I checked, an enormous free burrito fills me up better than a can of beans...

Bar Review Revelation #1

My ass hurts. My already jacked-up back is starting to fold as well. Today I noticed a fellow student had brought his own chair from home, a more comfortable looking folding chair that is definitely scoring points with the ladies.

This damn company must be making an absolute killing ($3000 per student, around 450 students); the least they could do is offer us some sort of chair upgrade option, or maybe a free cushion. This leads me to bar review revelation #2: the firms don't give a shit about us anymore. We all either have jobs or are totally unemployable. Whereas before the entire room would have been littered with free pens and breakfast sponsored by whoever, now we don't get squat. Coffee costs a dollar and there isn't even a vending machine.

This week is bulk trash pick-up in my neighborhood, and I noticed my neighbor placed a decent looking recliner on his lawn. Hmmm... I wonder how sweet that would be...